Page 58 of Lavender and Linebackers

Ryder walks by me. He never sees me, but Sully does. I’m still in a ball, my knees pulled up to my chest, and I feel undone. He pins me with a pointed look that makes me think he knew I was here all along, nods his head, and then follows Ryder out.

Chapter 20

Ryder

Iabsolutely hated reliving that moment with Sully. I’ve worked hard on completely blocking it from existence that dredging it up hauls up feelings that I didn’t want to remember, and I did the thing I swore I would never do again.

I watched the video on my phone.

I watched as our lips touched for the briefest of seconds, and she pushed me away. I remember everything around us blurring and dipping to a low buzz. It’s like my nervous system and reality couldn’t connect. It was an out-of-body experience, but in the worst way possible.

To this day, it still shocks me when I watch her say no. I was convinced that she would say yes, so convinced that I knew her so well, and it’s still completely jarring that she didn’t love me the way that I loved her.

How did I not see it?

Not once did I think she wouldn’t return my feelings. I was so certain, and I was wrong.

That video, I had planned for it to forever capture and preserve the greatest moment of my life, our life. Instead, I got the worst. This is the worst video of all time.

I got rejected by the girl who meant more to me than anything else in this world.

She meant more to me than football, and that’s saying a lot for any eighteen-year-old who has his dream scholarship at his dream school.

In the video, that ache that I’d had for her for so long, the one I thought I’d be soothing that day with her in my arms, its pressure built and pushed on every organ, every bone, and it climbed up my throat, until I was suffocating and I couldn’t be there.

“Ryder, wait. I can explain,” she had said to my back as I was pushing through the other students, but it didn’t matter because all I heard was her saying, “No.”

She didn’t want me. I remember repeating that to myself as my nose stung and my eyes burned.

“Run,” my heart had said.

And I did.

She didn’t want me.

You think you know someone, that is until reality slaps you in the face, and you realize you don’t know them at all.

“Earth to Ryder. Did you hear what I said?”

My eyes flip to Rico, who stands in front of me looking like he’s annoyed that I’m ignoring him. I clear my throat. “Oh, um, no. Sorry.”

“I knew it. You’ve been staring at her since we got here,” he says, and I don’t have to wonder who he’s talking about. I know. Like a moth to the flame, my eyes travel back to her. She’s standing with Kelli and Lily Kent. One side of my mouth tips up that she got up the courage to go speak to her. Alice’s hands are enthusiastically waving as she talks to her.

I had hoped that I would get some time with her before the event. I reached out to see if she wanted me to pick her up, but she said no. Kelli had also decided to attend, they were going together. I won’t tell her this, but I was disappointed. I know tonight isn’t a date. It can’t be one, but knowing we were both getting dressed up and going to be together, it kind of felt like one. At least it did to me.

Which is ridiculous because we’ve never dated and probably never will. I hate that this thought leaves behind a whisper of sadness.

There’s a lull between the group that fills with silence, and then a low whistle. Turns out all three of them have now glanced over to see what’s holding my attention.

“Damn, bro. She looks fire tonight,” Miles says.

Instantly, my brows pull down, and I frown. “Stop looking at her,” I say between gritted teeth.

Bryan chuckles while Tyler is now staring at me. “You know she’s off-limits, right?” He crosses his arms over his chest like he’s about to give me a lecture. These tenured players—what is it with them feeling like they need to constantly enforce the rules?

“Of course I do. Maybe you should be telling him that.” I wave my hand toward Miles.

“Then why were you looking at her like a starved man, and she’s your next meal?” Rico smirks.