Page 74 of Lavender and Linebackers

These are similar words that I said to Sully, and they hit hard.

“And now?”

She scoffs and runs her hands over her face to wipe off the tears. “Now? What kind of question is that? Now, I don’t know. Temporary insanity, I guess. You broke my heart, Ryder. You were cruel and dismissive. The way you treat people, the way you treated me, I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy. You were right to stop us just now. I don’t know what I was thinking. A leopard doesn’t change its spots.”

I stopped us for the same reason she stopped me.

Truth hits hard.

“I did what I had to do.”

“You keep saying that, but what about me? In your mind, when you drove out of town, what was I supposed to do? Did you ever try to think about things from my perspective? You so easily moved on with your life. That’s not what happened for me. Not that you would know. Not that you cared. You say you loved me, but again, that’s not love. That was the exact opposite. I did nothing wrong, and you tossed me away like I was trash.” Her voice cracks. “And let’s not forget when I did see you next, you treated me that way too. In front of my teammates and thousands of people.”

More tears drip from both our eyes.

I did do that. I did treat her badly.

“I was still hurt. I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?” she mocks with sarcasm.

“Yes.”

“Well, I’m still hurt too. While this has been enlightening and all, it really changes nothing. Thanks for the ride home.”

You’ve been caught

Practice this week has sucked. While most people are feeling rejuvenated from the break in our schedule, I’m run down. I’ve replayed that conversation with Alice so many times, and I’m not sleeping well at all.

Now that I’m separated from the heat of the moment, I can see how, if I were standing in her shoes, what I left like I did might have done to her. I never did try to see things from her perspective, only my own. And that shit about my father, it was a low blow, but an accurate one. How did I never put two and two together? How did my mom not? She should have seen the similarities, but then again she aligned with my broken heart.

A heart that now feels full of guilt.

Turns out I was the villain in both our stories, and I’m struggling with how to reconcile this. All I had to do was ask her why, and things would have ended differently. She didn’t do anything wrong. I did. I was an asshole, and she’s right. That isn’t how you treat someone you love.

This has been a tough pill to swallow. Meanwhile, I’m still having to show up daily, do my best, and give it my all.

Today, we practiced on the main field, and several times, I found my eyes wandering to the area where the photo booth was. I was incredibly happy that day. Well, up until the bubble burst. The thing is, that conversation had to be had. There was never going to be a future for us without it. I know it, and she knows it, too. It was never going to be easy or pleasant, and I’m thankful it’s over.

“You good?” Sully asks as he slides up next to me. Both of us are drenched in sweat from the ninety-five-degree heat index.

“Yeah, I’m good. Felix was all over me last night. I didn’t get much sleep.”

I lie because I can’t tell him the truth.

“This goes beyond just today. You’ve been off all week.”

I glance over at him and see nothing but concern on his face.

I let out a deep sigh, feeling even more like a failure at life than I already did. “That noticeable?”

He shrugs. “Only if you know what to look for. I’m your captain. I know you.”

He is ridiculously perceptive.

“I’m good. Thanks for checking on me.”

He nods and then stumbles.