Page 82 of Lavender and Linebackers

“Like, is this really happening between us? Does this mean to you what it does to me, or is this something that you need for closure?” My eyes prick. I hate that I’m ruining this moment. It’s exactly reminiscent of four and a half years ago, but I have to ask the questions. I have to know where he stands.

“Alice.”

“Listen, I can’t get hurt again. You don’t know how bad it was for me last time.” My heart rate picks up.

His gaze runs affectionately over my face as he takes both of my hands, pulls them over my head, and laces our fingers together.

“You’re right. I don’t know. I will forever be sorry for that time we lost together, and I’m hoping one day you’ll tell me. But this isn’t closure for me. It’s just the beginning. I know my leaving before did damage. And I know that this might take time before that uncertain part in you goes away, but I promise I’m not going anywhere ever again. No more assumptions. We will always talk things through. Just like now. I promise you. We’re in this together. There is no me without you. I love you more than anything.”

His words are a cool balm that settles my soul. I exhale all nervousness hearing him say we’re in this together. It means something to me that he’s owning his part in making me feel this way. He acknowledged, apologized, and said exactly what I needed to hear. I also love that he said he’ll always talk things through. That’s me. That’s who I am. That insecure devil who took up residence on my shoulder, Cupid smirks as he shoots him off with his arrow. I do believe him, and knowing that he loves me, me, it’s the greatest feeling ever.

“More than football?” I try to keep a serious face, but I can’t, and a smile breaks free.

“Such a smart-ass. But yes, way more than football. That’s the thing I do, at least for now. You, on the other hand, are mine forever.”

“So you’re saying you don’t want to do me too?” I tease.

“Oh, I want to do you more than anything I’ve ever done in my life.”

I pause, and with his eyes locked on mine, I tell him, “I love you, too.”

His face transforms to one of complete awe and tenderness. By now, he’s told me several times that he loves me, but I’d yet to say it back. I shouldn’t have waited. He deserves to hear it and be loved too.

“Say it again.”

Shifting my hips, I wrap my legs around his waist and feel us line up perfectly as the tip of him settles just inside me. “I love you.”

“Al, you are my dream come true,” he whispers, as he rocks his hips forward, back, and then forward again to push us completely together, while he seals his mouth over mine.

I wouldn’t say this hurts, but I definitely feel very full. So full, I’m not sure how he’s not all the way in my stomach, but his tongue distracts me as I adjust to his size. He kisses me slowly, sensually, like he’s making love to me. Which, I guess, he is.

“You okay?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

And then he pulls back, pushes in again, and doesn’t stop.

“You feel good,” he mutters against my lips as his mouth works in sync with his hips. I feel completely connected and consumed by him. “I could live in here.”

“Okay. Deal.”

Obviously, I know what sex is. I’ve had to listen to my friends all talk about it for years, but they never talked about how devastating it is. Devastating, but in a good way. I’m mind blown, transformed, and emotionally annihilated by this form of intimacy. The very act of him being inside me, us being so intimate, I’m going to become obsessed with this feeling. Obsessed in the best way. I love that from now on I get to do this with him and no one else. This will always be ours.

“I love you,” I whisper again.

“I love you, too.”

He releases my hands and slides his under me. He tilts my hips, angles me where he wants me, and I wrap my arms around him to hold on tight. I never want to let him go.

What were we thinking fighting with each other for months? We could have been doing this instead, which is infinitely better.

No, better isn’t even the right word.

This is special, marvelous, soul-shifting, and I allow myself to completely drown in the wonderful sensations. After all we’ve been through, how could I not? It’s with ease I finally give my whole self to him, knowing he’s doing the same for me.

Team Chat:

Sully: Am I the only one who didn’t know that Camden got married?