Page 22 of The Scars We Heal

I laughed at the message, wiping my nose with my sleeve.

I just need this semester to be over. Then I can relax.

Jake

Well, maybe a late night sweet treat will help you with the stress anyway.

He sent a screenshot of a delivery order for the best cookie shop in town. It was my go-to after the bars when I was craving something sweet.

Thanks, Jake.

Before my finger could hit the call button, I deleted the number.

Stupid. What the hell are you doing, Cait?

Not allowing impulse to take over, I called my mom instead.

“Hi, Caitlin!” she answered the phone cheerily.

“Hey, Mom.” I had to bite my lip to prevent a tremble in my voice, tears already streaming down my face.

My mother, being ever so observant, immediately picked up on my mood. “Oh, Cait, what’s wrong?”

I huffed out a breath. “Just another negative test.”

A long pause stretched between phone lines.

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry. Are you doing okay?”

My shoulders shrugged, even though I knew she couldn’t see me. “I’m fine…I guess.” She waited for me to continue, and I shook my head. “No, I’m not, but…”

“But what, sweetheart?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m just not meant to be a mom.”

“When the timing is right, it’ll happen.”

Sadness filled every crevice of my body, and my posture slumped. “What if the timing is never right? What if…”

What if I don’t actually want this, but I feel like it’s what I need to do to fulfill some unspoken duty as a wife?

“What if we do have a kid and I’m not good at it?”

Mom clicked her tongue on the other line. “You will be. Do you know why I know that? Because you’re an amazing sister and daughter. You’re a wonderful wife, and one day you’re going to be a wonderful mother.”

As encouraging as her words were, all my brain seemed to understand was, “You will because you have to be.”

“I’m so sorry to leave so soon, but I’ve been waiting for Colter to call me about something. Will you be okay? Can I give you a call back when I’m done?”

I have to be, I thought.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. And, no, that’s okay. You don’t have to do that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, Mom. I mean it.”

“Okay. I love you, Cait. Stay strong.” With that, the phone call ended before I could utter a goodbye.