Page 29 of An Espresso Machine’s Guide to Love & Mischief

Milan Del Ray.

“You!” I roar. “You thieving, lying shithead!” A Rolex peeks out from beneath his right sleeve. “That’s my fucking fortune, you fuck!”

He turns his head and stares right at me. His eyes widen, and I feel a wave of triumph.

“I’m here to get my money back, you fucking douchebag!” I shout as the elevator door starts to slide shut. “Open the elevator door! We have to go back. He stole my money. He’s a lying thief. An impostor!”

Neph shifts back to human form and tries to reach for the elevator button, but the guards grab her. They completely ignore me. They don’t even dignify my words with a response.

I silently fume for the remainder of the elevator ride. When the door opens on the main floor, the guards take Neph and me to a door that exits out into the alley. For a split second, I wonder if they plan to kill us, but they just lower me onto the ground and head back inside.

”Get back here and take me to see Milan!” I roar, but they just lock the door behind them.

Neph sighs and sits on the ground next to me. “I’m so sorry, Diva.”

I wish I had water left so I could cry from my nozzles. But I don’t, so I just sit there, unable to do anything.

“We’ll think of something,” Neph says. “I mean, yes, most of your ideas are crazy—but crazy is good! Milan won’t expect crazy. You’ll find a way to get your fortune back.”

I have crazy ideas, shit tons of them, but they all require a body—and money—to carry them out. I don’t know how to best a rich asshole when I’m so helpless I need people to carry me. But Neph is giving me a forced smile to try to cheer me up, so I force some cheer into my voice. “Hell, yeah. We’ll think of something.”

Neph pats my side. “In the meantime, I’ll call Fletcher to come get us—”

“Don’t bother,” I say.

What would be the point? It’s bad enough I’m trapped in an espresso machine—but without my fortune, I’m completely worthless. I can’t afford the steam-powered jetpack that would help me get places on my own. I can’t hold Fletcher or kiss him or go on dates. Why torture myself by keeping him around as a constant reminder of what I can’t have?

“But I can’t carry you on…” Neph trails off when a minivan pulls into the alley and squeals to a stop in front of us, and she jumps to her feet.

I open my water reservoir lid in a gape. “What the?”

A man wearing off-brand short-shorts, flip flops, and nothing else leaps out of the passenger side door and picks me up. Fuck, the guy has to be on steroids.

“Let me go,” I shout. “Who the hell are you?”

He tosses me into the backseat of the cheap-ass van as though I’m as light as an empty tote bag. Thankfully, the seats are cushy—though I don’t even know if falling would hurt. Neph and her mates have always been super careful. A bit of rainbow fluff sticks up above the driver seat. What the fuck?

Steroids slides the door shut, and panic grips me. I feel like I’m locked in a coffin. Like that time when a magician asked me to be his assistant, but then ran off with my purse and left me in the box.

“Neph!” I scream. “I’m being kidnapped! Espresso-napped? Whatever! Help!”

Neph grabs Steroids’ arm as he climbs into the passenger seat, but he shoves her away. She stumbles backwards, then launches herself at him again while I scream.

Chapter 14

Ben

I pay the Korean street food vendor for lunch and meet up with Fletcher in front of an office building on King Street.

“How was your chore, possum?” I chuckle at my own joke. I swear, it never gets old.

Fletcher doesn’t laugh, even though I’m hilarious. “An espresso machine gave me a boner. She’s in that building.”

That’s a new joke. “Haha, good one.” I hand him the topokki and a bottle of juice. “I made it myself at the juice bar in my office’s gym! Just the juice. I tried to make topokki there once but they told me I wasn’t allowed to bring a hot plate into the gym.”

“Makes sense.” He bites into the spicy rice cake. “This is great. Thanks! And I’m serious about the boner. I think I’m the first possum to get an erection while holding an espresso machine.”

“Boners happen everywhere,” I tell him.