Page 13 of I Still Love You (Citation Needed)

Mason’s thick eyebrows furrowed, and his shoulders slumped. “I’m not saying it will work. Each university is different, but these are ways to think of how your work here will make a difference.”

This presentation had helped me understand how Mason may have used his EncycloWiki work in his own tenure pack. He probably hadn’t shared the edits he had made, but how it impacted his teaching as well as tried to showcase the impact of his research through its inclusion in EncycloWiki. That would be great if he had been the first author and his colleagues weren’t looking for ways to discredit him.

Mason’s irritation at the question made me realize how much he had changed, and defeat radiated from him as he merely thought about getting tenure. His shoulders sagged, and he looked down. The man before me was a faded shadow of the man I had loved. That man had always been engaged and fun when doing something he loved. He talked to people, observed what was going on, and asked questions. Now he was shut down and disconnected. I was curious how he had ended up chair of the planning committee this year. He had never attended this conference before.

I wanted to confirm it with Grace, but I was suddenly sure Lois had forced him to chair the event for the campus. I felt my face get red as I remembered that he had wanted the safety of academia. He thought this was the way to make a difference in the world without worrying if he’d have a job in six months. He didn’t want to raise money to start a non-profit. He knew there were obligations to gain that level of security, but was he doing his part? Had Lois warned him it wasn’t enough?

I backed away from the desk while Mason was still answering the question. This was an exhausting emotional rollercoaster. Each time I felt any pity for how shitty his life seemed, my anger responded and flared. All it took was one memory of what I had done for myself. I decided to hide in the bathroom for a little while.

“Do you know when they’re bringing out some snacks?” an attendee asked as I wheeled away from the bathroom about twenty minutes later.

I opened my mouth, ready to snap at the poor person, but bit it back. “Let me check,” I said.

I wheeled into the prep kitchen where catering had left food for the event. I didn’t get far into the doorway before I heard an argument. I recognized the voices right away.

“I can’t believe you left it out of your tenure pack. I told you what you need to do to get tenure now and you seem to be willfully ignoring it,” Dr. Fairfax said.

“It hadn’t even been submitted to the journal by the due date,” Mason added. “If you had given me a hint that your expectations were going to focus more on my research and less on my teaching, then maybe I could have built the packet you’re imagining I have.”

“We can’t become a research university with great teachers,” Lois said through her teeth. “We need people who are doing research that pulls in federal grants and funds graduate students.”

“It’s funny, Lois, you like to take on new projects and change goals when it will look good for you. You did this to Penny with the accessibility work. Once you were provost, you were ready to do it without giving her any credit. Now you’ve moved the goalpost without giving anyone a heads up,” Mason said, a small growl in his voice. “You’re supposed to be my mentor. You’re supposed to help me be successful. You couldn’t give people a few years to transition their work and expectations. You had to drop it on us like a bomb.”

“I can’t change what your colleagues expect now that we’re trying to become a research university. To them, it looks like you’ve barely done anything since you were hired. Lizbeth agreed to let you co-chair to help your tenure packet. I’m glad she understands how academia works!” Dr. Fairfax’s voice rose in pitch. She was clearly frustrated with Mason, and I had to agree if what she said was true.

“You know what?” Mason said, the anger in his voice making him enunciate each word. “If this is how your new university works, then maybe I don’t belong here. My chance with jobs around EncycloWiki may not work out, but there has to be something better. Maybe I belong at the community college where teaching is valued.”

My heart raced and I could feel my body heat rise. I had never heard Mason so forceful with Lois. He always seemed to trust her to lead him to success. I had just thought he had given up, but now I could see the fire wasn’t extinguished. Not only had he called Lois out about his chances at tenure, but he had acknowledged how she had betrayed and manipulated me when I was in grad school. This was the man I had fallen in love with and clearly my body still reacted with the same desire I had felt then.

Their voices seemed to be getting closer. I wheeled back from the doorway and turned my chair out of sight. Mason came out of the doorway a few moments later carrying a tray of cookies. Dr. Fairfax was right behind him with a case of waters. Obviously their argument wasn’t over if Dr. Fairfax was helping him set up the snacks. Now I understood how someone who had never attended this conference got to be co-chair. I didn’t fault Lizbeth for accepting the help. I was positive Mason had pulled his weight. If he hadn’t, she would have asked me for help.

“I don’t know what goes on inside your head, Mason,” the older woman said. “You belong at this university, but you make no effort to make yourself essential to its future. Your students are out the door when they graduate. Stop investing your energy into promoting their careers.”

Mason put the tray down and I moved on, not wanting to overhear more of the fight. I thought I had cleared my head of the emotional tug of war. My sudden desire for him was mixed up with my anger that I wasn’t ready to give up. Maybe the life I wanted for him wasn’t what he wanted, but I wasn’t the only one who had tried to mold him into the right man. He wanted to teach and support students. He had put up that barrier and held it all these years. Now it was going to cost him this job, but he knew it. My reaction was even more surprising. I had never been so aroused by anyone. At least, not since Mason and I had broken up.

Chapter Ten

Did you not like Mason’s session?” Cooper asked me as we entered the bar for dinner a while later. “You seemed distracted after.”

I thought about my response as the waitress led us to a table by the floor to ceiling windows that overlooked downtown Lacock. It was a great place to have a bar and laid out for large groups to have space in the back to be loud as they got drunk but not interfere with those having more intimate dinners in the front.

“I liked the conversation they’re building,” I said, taking a deep breath. “I don’t know if academics are ready to have it yet, but I’d love to see it prioritized. People need help understanding the complexity of medical discoveries, weather changes, and political concepts. They come to EncycloWiki for help, but the experts are still nursing twenty-year-old bruised egos from not being exalted when we started.”

Cooper nodded along with my mini monologue and a smile spread across his face. “That’s exactly what I hoped you say.”

I raised an eyebrow before picking up my menu and picking what I wanted for dinner.

“I assume you don’t want a philosophical discussion over dinner,” I said after we both put our menus down. “We can do that tomorrow in my open session.”

Cooper snickered. “Trust me, I have plans to do just that.”

I had been asked to fill a schedule gap when everyone found out I was attending. It wasn’t a formal presentation, but a listening and brainstorming session. We would do it again at the summer WorldWikiMania conference in London. It would help me build my strategic plan for the organization, the looming task given to me when I was hired. I was excited since strategic planning is one of my favorite things to do.

“What shall we talk about tonight?” I asked, opening my hands to get to the heart of why he wanted to have dinner.

“I need your help with the executive director search,” Cooper said with a deep sigh. “We’re short one committee member and applications are coming in already.”

It had been months since the Director of WikiAcademia had retired. Cooper had been the interim director but had often said he didn’t want the job permanently. I think he had secretly hoped I would take the job, but I would have never taken it. It would have been too painful knowing it was something Mason and I had dreamed of doing together once upon a time. They had finally posted the job days before everyone arrived for the conference. The timing of the posting was important.