Page 164 of Love Felt Like This

Rob grabs a controller from a dock and hands it to me.

I squeeze the grips. “Wow. So comfortable,” I say with a grin. Actually, it’s bulky and foreign in my hands, but now is absolutely not the time to admit that I’m confused by video games again. Rob is the one who’s lost right now.

He sits on the end of the bed again and sighs.

“So…” I start, nodding slowly and adding, “Beau, huh?” I cringe.

“Yeah…” he says slowly.

“Is that…um, how are you feeling about it all?”

He sighs and sets his controller aside. I do too. Thank God.

“I knew he wasn’t the best guy,” he confesses. “I mean…I had a feeling. That video from two years ago…I mean, I knew.”

He keeps repeating it, like maybe he’ll convince himself. But Rob didn’t want to know, and I don’t blame him.

He exhales again, and it’s almost a groan. Visibly frustrated, he pulls at a string on the hem of his jeans and flicks it away. He levels a look at me. My brother has never seemed so adultlike before.

“What happened?” he asks. “Out in LA? Really?”

My body tenses. It’s like a hardness in my chest, like overfilled concrete weighing me down. At my silence, Rob rolls his eyes. I don’t know if he’s ever rolled his eyes at me without a smile or a laugh.

“Beverly. I’m not a kid anymore.”

“Beau cheated on me,” I blurt out. I cough out a laugh and wince. “Boy, saying it out loud is…weird. He, uh, yeah. Cheated. That’s it. End of story, really.”

“He did?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.” Rob deflates, and it kills me. “I’m sorry.”

“Nah, it’s all right…” I wave it off. Except it’s not all right, and it’s never really been all right.

“Does it still hurt?” Rob asks.

I twist my lips to the side. “No. It’s funny…maybe not in a ha ha way, but…funny like…that my weird feelings aren’t associated with pain anymore. It’s weird that I feel almost…nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Not really. Not for him. No.”

Rob nods to himself. “I mean…he wasn’t always like that, was he?”

“He…” I think for a moment. “No. He was nice in high school.”

And for the first time, it hits me.

But was Beau ever kind?

Rob leans his chin on his fist. “He always kinda seemed like a big brother.”

I give a wistful smile. “And I love that for you two. I do. That’s why we never really talked about this before.”

But Rob’s face scrunches up. “No, I mean…he always seemed like…he was picking on you. Just a little bit.”

My face falls. “Oh.”