Page 36 of Morfran, Dark Lord Reformed

Then the creature’s tentacles went stiff like a spear. It pivoted in the air so its head was facing the water. Morfran caught sight of all thirty feet of it in a flash of three seconds—bubblegum-pink flesh, gelatinous eyes as large as cannonballs, a large beaky mouth that was snapping like pincers. With a dive into the water that Morfran would rate 8.8 considering the stormy conditions, it plunged deep into the whirlpool and began riding the swirls, all of its tentacles amassing about it like a soupy pot of spaghetti noodles. Then those same tentacles rose out of the water, lashing onto the mast and hull. It rammed its beak into one of the side windows, and with a horrendous squeal, began slurping. Morfran surmised that’s where Elena stashed all her chests of gold.

“Well,” Morfran screamed through the winds, “maybe it’ll just eat the gold and leave us be.”

“Ravana summoned it, didn’t she?” Elena screamed back. “That means it’ll come to devour our gold and then us. You’re going to kill this thing, Morf, and when you’re done, I’m going to kill you.”

Morfran grumbled a few words about incentive and the lack thereof. That was when they heard a door slam open, and an individual began slowly dragging their way up to the quarterdeck.

It was Gueldefore, his blue cloak and bright gold hair whipping ferociously in the gusts of wind. He looked majestic and heroic, and he didn’t even need to hold any beams to stay upright.

“What needs to be done to slay this dangerous beast?” Gueldefore shouted.

Morfran scowled at him. Did the bastard really think he was going to tell him? Morfran knew exactly how to stop Giant Flying Quid-Stealing Squids, because Ravana had bred them during her mad-scientist phase when she’d invented a horrendous collection of peculiar monsters. He’d been the one to suggest giving them a weakness in case they turned on them, and she’d nodded with her goggles still on her head and said, “Clever as always, dearest.”

Morfran began stomping across the quarterdeck, ignoring Gueldefore’s inquiries as he tried to get to the stairs to the main deck without being flung off the ship.

Gueldefore followed him. “I said, what is the plan?”

“It’s a plan that doesn’t involve you.”

“Make it involve me! I have fought bears and boars barehanded before, so I will be most useful in slaying this beast. Now, again, I implore you to include me in it.”

Morfran stared at his head for a second before shrugging. “Follow me, then.”

Together the two clambered up the mast’s ropes and managed to reach the crow’s nest. From this vantage point they could see the squid much more easily, and see that it was still rifling through broken ship windows, trying to suck out the last crumbs of gold from the treasury rooms.

Gueldefore shouted, “What next?”

Morfran turned to him. “Stay here.” Then he climbed back down, cutting the net with a small dagger so the knight was stuck up there.

Down in the cabins below deck all furniture and items not bolted to the ground had been thrown against the walls. Papers fluttered through the breezy air. A loud howling noise pierced his ears, like a great hurricane was plowing through the ship. Morfran waded through the halls, shoving wailing men aside as they screamed they didn’t want to die and tried to cling to his legs.

Bronwen caught up to him at some point, asking the same question Gueldefore had. But this time he didn’t want her help for another reason. She persisted; so, he led her to the cabin where Beni and the kids were. The three goats were on his bed, letting out various bleats. Beni looked horribly seasick. Vomit was everywhere.

“What now?” she asked, turning to face him.

His response was shutting the door on her. He shoved a chair that was currently sliding his way beneath the knob to keep her locked inside. She was already pounding on the door and cursing him.

“You’re hexed, remember!” he argued back.

“Let me out now, Bernard!”

“No. I need my goats safe, so I need you to watch them.” He paused. “But not very well. Just…neglectfully watch my goats. Don’t try to be efficient at it, either. So, like, play a game of solitaire with them in the background or something.”

She thumped the door again, groaning in defeated annoyance.

He found Gueldefore’s cabin a few more paces in, thanks to one of his blue cloaks still hanging on a nail. On the bed was Morfran’s crossbow and bolts.

“Hello, sweet beauty.” He kissed it, then turned around, pushing through the halls until he was back on deck, but not before a quick trip to the ship’s kitchen pantry.

The squid was still rifling through the lower windows, but the Fierce Feline wasn’t that large of a ship, and it was nearly finished devouring Elena’s untaxed gold. Any second now, it’d scrape out the rest of the treasure room, lick its beak, and come searching for him.

“Brim!” he screamed at the burly man, who was still glued to the railing like an aggressive barnacle. “I need you and your men!”

To his credit, the big man didn’t hesitate. He pushed away from the pillar and began making his way down the stairs to where Morfran stood on the main dock, calling out to his men who were also clinging to various bits of the ship. Above them, Morfran could hear Gueldefore’s curses—one in particular that told Morfran to do something anatomically impossible to himself. Morfran snickered as all the men gathered around him.

“On my signal, I need you to toss me into the squid’s beak,” he said.

Theodore blinked. “Say what, now?”