Page 43 of Morfran, Dark Lord Reformed

Morfran collapsed to the floor, choking on his breath. Bronwen, who’d been witness to Morfran being bear-hugged by a half-naked chunk of pure muscle with a seventy-foot beard one second and then watching said chunk of muscle torpedo behind a bed at the sight of her, looked terribly confused.

“I…uh,” she stuttered. “Are you…Rapunzo?”

In response the man let out another terrified scream, and followed it by chucking a stuffed bear at her. Being a child’s toy made of cotton, it normally wouldn’t have hurt her, but this stuffed bear had been chucked at a velocity of seventy miles per hour, and if the man’s aim had been any better, it would have quite possibly done some serious harm to her. As it were, it missed her by five inches and slammed into the tower wall in an explosion of white stuffing.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Bronwen held up her hands to show she was unarmed. The man responded by snatching up another plushie—this one a gentle pink lamb—and cranking his arm back to launch it.

Morfran stepped in front of her before he could be witness to death by stuffed critter. “Hold on a second there, Rapunzo. You just welcomed me to your abode. Why not her?”

There was live fear in Rapunzo’s gaze as he gawk-glared at Bronwen. In her assassin’s gear, Morfran could see how she appeared to be a threat. Was that why he was afraid? Perhaps he’d had encounters with assassins before?

Bronwen herself looked terrified as well. Despite Morfran holding a knife to her throat twenty minutes ago, she was now hiding behind him for safety.

Rapunzo cleared his throat. “She’s a woman.”

Morfran paused. “Yes. Indeed. She is a woman. I’ve noticed that, too. Now, we came here in complete peace. Might we sit down, like normal people do, and speak to each other without stuffed animals being involved?” He paused, then added, “Or hugging?”

Rapunzo was still cowering behind the child’s bed. “I don’t trust women. They are lying and manipulative and dangerous.” He hesitated, and added as an afterthought, “And mean.”

Bronwen shot him an offended look at that last descriptor. Morfran just raised his eyebrows, opening his mouth, trying to think of a reply. Finally, he just went with: “Did someone…a woman, perhaps, I don’t know…hurt you when you were a child?”

Rapunzo gingerly stepped over the child’s bed and sat down. The mattress sank against his muscular glutes. “Everyone who has ever hurt me has been a woman,” he explained. “My own mother, who locked me in this tower for a time-out and forgot about me. That powerful sorceress who placed a prophecy on me and gave me magical jewelry I didn’t even want. The mail lady, who forgets this tower has no doors. How can I get my mail when it’s four floors below me? Huh? Answer me that, foul courier woman!”

He exhaled like a bull, wringing his hands on his thick thighs. “And then came the day when my true love scaled the tower. She was prophesied to rescue me from this place. Instead, she stole my magical rings, said my beef Wellington recipe sucked, and kicked me in the head.” He shut his eyes in distress, as if he were reliving the moment. When he opened them, he glowered at Bronwen. “What have you come to do? Spit in my boeuf bourguignon escargot and chop off my head and steal Randy?”

Neither of them had any clue who Randy was. But Bronwen still had her hands raised and said in a quiet, gentle voice, “I promise I haven’t come to do any of those things. In fact, I came because I thought you might be able to help me—”

He released a menacing exhale. Bronwen quickly continued on.

“—because I, too, have been wronged. And by a woman! I couldn’t even harm you if I wanted. I’m cursed to fail at anything I try to do.”

A suspicious glower sank over Rapunzo’s features. “What woman did this to you?”

There was loathing in Bronwen’s voice as she said, “Queen Ravana.”

Rapunzo leapt to his feet at that, pointing at her, furious. “She’s the one who stole my magic rings!”

Bronwen looked at Morfran in surprise. “That’s where Morfran and Ravana got their powers? This man’s jewelry?”

Morfran shrugged self-deprecatingly. It was indeed. In fact, they’d used his rings as wedding bands shortly after they married. Back then, nothing said romance more than stolen magical goods and a story of Ravana smashing the dreams of a hopeful suitor. Of course, Morfran had since destroyed his ring and abandoned this man’s true love, who he’d stolen from him, but no way was he going to admit it now.

Rapunzo had moved from his seat, giving Bronwen a wide, distrusting berth, and whispered to Morfran, “Are you sure she’s telling the truth?”

“I’ve seen her trip over air enough times to know she is,” Morfran whispered back. “Queen Ravana is indeed the mastermind behind both of your miseries.” As well as mine.

Rapunzo scoffed, then lumbered towards the oven, next to which sat a dining table set with two placemats.

“Were you expecting company?” Morfran inquired.

“No. The other one is for Randy. He’s sitting right there.” He gestured towards the dining table.

Morfran and Bronwen leaned over to see who this Randy fellow was, and were greeted by the sight of a lone mallard duck sitting astutely on a chair.

Bronwen took one look at its brown and blue feathers and whispered despondently, “Randy’s a female.”

Morfran whispered back, “Don’t tell him that if you want Randy to live.”

It was nice to meet someone else who also had a habit of accidentally naming female barnyard animals traditionally masculine names, however, and they did have business with Rapunzo, so Morfran gently asked the man if they could join him for dinner, despite the fact that it was at least three in the morning and Morfran wanted nothing more than to dive out the window.