Page 105 of Strange Lights

“I won’t.” I grit my teeth and pull with all my might. I’ve held on to her for this long, I won’t give up now.

Let go.

“No, I won’t!” I scream.

Adele meets my eyes. She sees me, my mother. She finally sees me. A moment of blinding clarity passes between us. I will hold on to her until she drags us both under. I don’t know how to let go. I am her daughter after all.

She struggles anew. The cold metal fingers of the Gauntlet close around mine, prying at my grip. The voices in my head are no longer confined there. They are outside, all around us, a rising crescendo.

Let go.

Shapes, indistinct, an undefined cloud of mist materializes around us. Wispy, white tendrils of something reach out. I flinch in shock and then horror as I realize I’ve lost my hold on Adele.

But she’s still there, suspended, floating somehow. An amorphous mass cradles her, holds her aloft.

We’ve found you at last, lost one, the mist says.

“You’re here.” Adele’s voice quavers.

We never left you. The voice, the beings, turn their attention to me. And greetings, little voidling child. You are something different, yet the same. The voice is in my head, in my bones, my blood, my soul. A foreign yet universal language. It feels like a strange planet I’ve never been to. It feels like home. The voice is alien, strange yet familiar. A stranger, part of me, natural and foreign, a dichotomy my mind struggles to grasp. Like a piece of my soul that I have never met before.

“You’re here for me?” Adele says, both fearful question and desperate plea.

Of course. We never left you, young one. We have always been with you, though you refused to hear us, shut us out. You turned away from the pain and, in doing so, turned away from us.

The voice speaks with countless souls behind it. The weight of the souls tangled together is overwhelming. I understand a fraction of the horror of Adele’s life, alone and untethered when this is where she belonged.

I’ve never heard my mother cry before, but she’s sobbing now.

It’s time you came back to us. Thousands, millions, billions of voices as one. A cloud of amorphous matter wraps Adele gently, lovingly, obscuring her from my vision.

“Wait, what do I do? Help me?” I ask, unsure now, clinging tightly to the handhold, shuffling my feet awkwardly to get a better grip. “Don’t leave me.”

We never left you; we never will. But you don’t belong solely to us. You should not stay here. Your place is elsewhere.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who I am. The cloud of beings hesitates, a gesture so universal, I recognize it immediately. How ironic I can read these beings’ emotions when I’ve always struggled to read human faces.

I can’t help the tears, the self-pity that washes over me. Where do I belong? This void with these beings, or back with my sisters, my daughter, my lovers, and friends? Am I human? Am I an alien creature? Neither or both? A fragment of soul in a stolen body. Reggie. Me. Parent, mother, lover, friend, alone, human. I am alone.

Something soft strokes my face, wipes away my tears, tucks my dangling foot gently and securely into a foothold I’d overlooked. They are leaving me behind. They do not want me. I do not fit or belong here either. It’s as if the beings whose souls reside in that mist can read my mind as they speak again.

It isn’t meant as an insult that we will not keep you here now. You would find belonging if you stayed, human-one-of-us. We’ve always claimed you as ours, long before you knew of our existence. And we would have continued to do so had you never found your way to us. We will continue to do so. We are always with you. You are loved, wanted, needed, here and there. But other members of your family won’t let you go so easily from the place called Earth.

Look, even now they’re searching for you. You are not alone. Hold on a little longer.

45

On Belay

The mist recedes as the beings who own a piece of my past, a piece of my soul, leave me. I am more alone than I’ve ever been, completely untethered. I cling to the wall and picture their faces. Calvin, Luca, Eldi, Meredith, Zara.

Death by entropy, returned to the leftover stardust of the universe, poured into the well of energy that magic users draw on. Is that what this is? I’ve killed my mother. Or is she simply a different part of the universe now? The guilt is there either way. I did the right thing; I gave her exactly what she wanted. Her family has returned for her; she has returned to them.

I could follow her. If I let go, those beings, my ancestors, they will catch me too. The truth of that reassures me, settles deep in my bones. Knowing I could let go gives me strength to keep holding on.

I left the door unlocked. I left it wide open behind me. Someone will be here soon. They have to come for me. The Carpathia came for the survivors of the Titanic. My Carpathia will not fail me. I am loved.

Maybe they won’t come. I told Luca to keep Calvin safe; I was afraid I’d pull them down with me into the depths if I failed. But now that I haven’t failed, I desperately want someone to cling to. It’s a dark moment that feels like eternity. My fingers grow numb, and my legs tremble as I count on my family to find me, to come for me.