Page 2 of Bittersweet Redemption

“Yeah,” Roman says as he comes out of his room. “I found one more car.” He holds up a small red Matchbox car. He’s got a full collection of the little cars he loves playing with. They’re only a dollar at Walmart, so I’ve been able to get him a few each month to add to his collection. It puts a smile on his little face, which makes everything worth it.

“Oh, good. Put it in your pocket, and let’s get going.”

“Ok, Mommy.” He slides it into his pocket and comes over to take my hand. We say a last goodbye to the little apartment that saved us when we needed it most.

Just me and my little man.

We pile into my SUV and make the twenty-minute drive to our new place. I pull into the driveway, right up to the garage.

“Let’s go look around,” I tell Roman as I put the car in park. I round the car, unbuckle his car seat, and take his hand as we walk up to the door.

“I like the blue door, Mommy.” The front door is painted a pretty light blue and it’s what caught my eye when I first saw the house.

“Me too, baby.” I unlock the door with the key I picked up from the landlord yesterday. We walk inside the living room, and I’m hit with the unmistakable scent of bleach. The landlord said it would be cleaned before we moved in, and he definitely wasn’t lying. I can tell the living room carpet has been steam cleaned too, which is so nice. The last thing I want to do after a day of moving is clean the house.

“Ok, so this is the living room. We’ll put the couch here.” I motion to the area in front of the windows. “And the TV will go over there.” I point to the wall opposite the couch. There is even a brick fireplace here, which makes me so excited. Fireplaces just make a room feel cozy. I can’t say I’ll ever actually light a fire, but it’s nice to have just in case.

We walk straight towards the kitchen. The floor is a black and white checkerboard, and I love it. The cabinets are white, and there are so many of them. A lot more than we need with two plates, two bowls, two cups, a skillet, and a pot, but that’s ok. I plan to slowly make this house our home.

There’s an area for a kitchen table, which I’ve already ordered and should be delivered in a few days. I squeeze Roman’s hand to show him how excited I am, and he smiles at me. I know he’s excited too.

“Ok, let’s go find your room.” His eyes light up as I lead him down the small hallway. The first door that we see is the bathroom. We only have one bathroom, but it’s plenty big with a double vanity, bath, and shower.

We open the door across the hall. “This is all yours, buddy.” He walks into the room and twirls around. It’s a little bigger than his old room, so he’ll have plenty of room for his bed and toys. The two big windows also bring in a lot of light.

“I love it, Mommy.” Man, that makes my mama heart so happy. “Where’s your room?”

“Down the hall.” We walk down to the master bedroom, which is a little bigger than Roman’s and has a walk-in closet. There’s no way I’ll be able to fill it up, but it’s nice anyway.

“This is the best house, Mommy.” He throws his little arms around my waist in a hug.

“I’m so glad you like it.” I hug him back, trying to stop the tears from forming. I can feel them burning behind my eyes, but I don’t like for Roman to see me cry, even if they are happy tears. “Alright. Can you grab your bags from the back seat, and I’ll start moving the heavy stuff in?”

He nods, and we head back outside. We get all the boxes, and then I start on the heavier items. I get the TV and Ro’s bed inside, but then I have to get creative with the couch. I look around at my neighbors’ houses. There’s no one outside, and I don’t know if I have it in me to knock on a stranger’s door to ask for help. If I want to get this done, I’ve got to do it myself. So, I grab Roman’s skateboard—a gift from his dad that I did not approve of—and put it under one side of the couch. I lift the other side and roll it through the front door. It takes a few tries to get it up over the step into the door. I shove it as hard as I can and then crawl over it to pull it. It takes a little back and forth, but I sigh in relief when I finally get it in. I’m sticky with sweat, but the hard part is done.

We spend the rest of the day unpacking. I start in Roman’s room, using my one screwdriver to put his bed frame back together. We unpack his clothes and toys, and he stays in there to play while I finish the rest of the house. One good thing about not having a lot of possessions is there isn’t much to unpack, so I’m pretty much done by early afternoon.

“Hey, Ro. We’ve got to return the trailer and grab some food at the store. You ready?”

“Uh-huh.” He comes out of his room, toy car in hand, and slips his shoes on.

As I’m locking the front door, I glance at my neighbor’s house and see a girl in a small black dress and messy hair step out the front door. She’s got strappy sandals dangling from her fingers and a sleepy smile on her face. Her attention is on the shirtless man leaning against the doorway, and I understand why. His torso and arms are covered in tattoos, and his gym shorts sit low on his hips. He runs his hand through his messy hair as he looks at the woman. His lips tip upward in a knowing smile.

In another life, he would’ve been just my type. But I’ve got to focus on Roman now. I don’t have time to get mixed up with a man who looks like he would break my heart. Been there, done that, bought the freaking T-shirt.

There’s no doubt what those two were doing, especially when the girl raises up on her bare tiptoes to kiss the man. Rolling my eyes, I lock my front door and head towards my car. The girl next door does her walk of shame down the driveway and slides into the backseat of a waiting car.

The man in the doorway watches her shut the car door. Then he flicks his gaze to me. I quickly turn and open Roman’s door for him. Through the reflection in the window, I can see him staring at us, but I keep my focus on strapping Roman in. My mother would tell me to be neighborly and say hello, but I know introducing myself to a man like that won’t do me any good. I’ve been captivated by a pretty face and cocky smile before, and while it got me my son, it also earned me years of regret and a conscience I’ll never be free of.

But it would be nice to be with someone again. Someone good for me.

While driving to the store, I realize I’m jealous of the woman leaving my new neighbor’s house. I barely remember how it feels to have a man’s attention. I was with Roman’s dad for so long that I don’t know what it’s like to date. And I’ve never done the walk of shame from anywhere because I’ve only been with Nick. What would it be like to have one night of passion with someone? To be touched like you’re wanted more than anything and touched like you matter?

Even before I left Nick, the sex wasn’t great. He stopped caring about what I wanted and basically used my body to satisfy his needs. I found out later it was because he was, once again, getting the passionate stuff somewhere else. As much as it hurt at the moment, it gave me the kick in the ass I needed to finally leave and realize I deserved better. Roman deserves better.

Shaking those thoughts from my head, I turn into the parking lot of the Save-A-Lot. I park and look into the back seat at the only person I need.

“Who wants some chicken nuggets?” I ask.