Page 10 of The Fall

“Hi, son.” Mom greets me as soon as I walk in the door. I drop my bag by the door and walk toward her, where she’s sitting on a bar stool in the kitchen watching my aunt cook dinner.

“Hey, Mom. Hey, Anya.” I give my mom a hug and then sit down next to her.

“How was it today?” she asks. After my first day with Savannah and Max, I came home and told her about Savannah blaming me for her ruined Olympic chance. We watched the video together and both agreed that it was my fault. Sure, Savannah also wasn’t paying attention, but I led Cassandra way too close to them, and if Savannah hadn’t done what she did, we all would’ve been hurt.

“It was… fine.”

She cringes. “She still hasn’t warmed up to you?”

I chuckle. “I’m fairly certain there will be no warming up. I feel good about the work and what I’m planning for them, but it’s hard when she gives me death glares every five seconds.”

Mom rubs my back. “Did you try to talk to her? Tell her what happened?”

I shake my head. “She won’t want to hear it.”

I made the decision not to tell anyone what was going on in my personal life after Mom’s first diagnosis. She was an Olympic ice dancer, too, before she got pregnant with me and decided to stop. She doesn’t want the pity for being sick, and I certainly don’t want to be the one who announced it to the world. She’s told me before that she’s not trying to keep it a secret and understands if I want to tell people, but I just… don’t. It feels too personal.

Mom sighs. “Well, I still think you should explain what happened. But if you insist on being stubborn, you’re going to have to work extra hard to gain their trust.”

“I know. I will. It’s just going to take time.”

“If anyone can do it, it’s you.”

I smile at her. “Thanks, Mom.”

“So, have you gotten on the ice again yet?”

I shake my head. “No, not yet.”

I wanted to. Thought about it. It feels too soon for some reason. I loved skating. Still do. But retiring shut something down inside me. It feels like I don’t deserve to skate or something.

“The longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be,” she reminds me.

“Says the woman who hasn’t skated in years.”

She laughs, knowing I’ve got her there. “Maybe I need to get back out there, too. I miss it.”

Anya sets two plates down in front of us. “You two are something else. Just go skate. Isn’t it meant to be fun?”

Mom laughs. “You don’t understand, Anya. Being on the ice feels like magic, and the ice decides who is worthy. When you haven’t visited it in a while, well…”

Anya rolls her eyes. She skated a little when she was younger but never took it to a professional level like Mom and I did. She’s always said she doesn’t want to do anything that doesn’t give her joy. I guess skating stopped giving her joy. And her ex-husband also stopped giving her joy, which is why she’s divorced.

“Oh, not the magic nonsense again,” Anya says, taking a seat next to Mom with her own plate.

“Oh, Anya. You wouldn’t understand,” Mom says again. She’s in good spirits today, at least. I was worried the most recent diagnosis would take the spark right out of her, but she seems hopeful. Happy even. I hope she can get through this and come out stronger in the end, but it’s hard to be too hopeful the second time around.

After dinner, I help with the dishes before taking a shower.

While I lay in bed, I think about how the day went. I think about the lifts Max and Savannah worked on, their spins, and the way Max’s hand was placed on Savannah’s body while they skated.

I don’t let myself think about how much I miss doing that. I try to ignore the urge to challenge myself again. I push down the feeling that I wish it were me in Max’s place, because then maybe Savannah wouldn’t look at me with such hatred.

Those things are not for me to occupy my mind with. I’ve got bigger and more important things than myself to think about now.

I pull up a text I got earlier from my old coach. The message was simple, just asking how I was doing, but for some reason, I couldn’t answer right away. I text her back and tell her I’m good and getting settled in the new town with the new job. She responds almost immediately, telling me to let her know if I need anything.

I worked with her for years. I was so worried that she would be disappointed when I announced my retirement. Thankfully, she was nothing but supportive.