Page 28 of Crossed Lines

He sighs, and I see him give in internally right as he says, “She’s my best friend’s sister.”

My brows crease in confusion. “I thought Sawyer was your best friend. He’ll be really upset to learn he’s been knocked out of the top spot.”

“Sawyer is my best friend,” Beck says slowly.

“But…” I pause as realization hits me. “You mean… me?”

Beck has feelings for me? I’d hoped for it. I’d wanted it. I’d thought maybe. But to have him actually admit it? I never thought this would happen. My heart feels like it’s going to hammer out of my chest.

He nods slowly, and I can’t stop the smile that pulls at my lips.

“Oh, my god. You’re serious?” Beck Sullivan likes me? This is the best day of my life!

What does this mean? I mean, I’m going back to school in a month and a half. Not just to school but to Italy for a semester. Beck lives here with Jade. Could we really do a long-distance relationship? And Sawyer. God, Sawyer would lose his mind. The thoughts in my head quickly overwhelm me. I take a deep breath and convince myself to take this one step at a time.

“That’s just it, Willow,” he says. “I can’t do anything about what I’m feeling.”

My smile falls. “Why not?”

“Well, first of all, I’m over a decade older than you. Secondly, you’re only here for another, what? A month and a half? I can’t start something when I know how it’ll end. And what do you think Sawyer would think if he found out? He’d kill me. Literally.”

Ok, he brings up all very valid points, but it’s still not enough for me. Not when I know that Beck feels this way toward me. How am I supposed to go on like normal when I could have something more with him? Even for a short time.

“But—”

He shakes his head, cutting me off. “No buts, Willow. This can’t happen, ok? I shouldn’t have even said anything to you, but I wanted you to know what was going through my head so you wouldn’t think you did anything wrong. This is something I need to work out on my own.”

“So, I’m just supposed to go on acting like everything is fine? Like we both aren’t feeling something between us?”

“You have to, Wills. If it’s too difficult, I can try to find someone else to watch Jade.”

“No,” I say quickly. “I need the money for Italy.”

“Ok, then we have to go on like nothing is different.”

It’s going to be impossible not to think about everything he’s said, knowing that every stolen glance, every crooked smile, every small touch means something more. Something I can’t have.

“Alright, fine,” I agree, since it seems like I don’t really have a choice.

Something in my tone makes him not trust me. He narrows his eyes. “Willow, I’m serious.”

“Ok. I promise everything will be like it always has been.” Even as I say it, I don’t believe myself because I’m already thinking of ways that I can get Beck to want more. It’s not fair of me. I realize that. He’s trying to be the bigger person here. Trying to do the right thing. But for once in my life, I don’t want to do the right thing.

I want Beck. Even if it’s just temporary. Even if we’re the only two people who know.

“Now drink your milkshake,” I say. After a long pause, Beck, clearly trying to figure out if I’m being serious, finally takes another sip of his milkshake. And I go on pretending like his confession wasn’t the best moment of my life. I actually mean something to Beck, and I might never get to do anything about it.

CHAPTER 12

Beck

I’m not going to lie, it felt good to get my feelings out into the open. Not because I plan on acting on them, but because it’s no longer weighing me down. I don’t have to hide my glances at Willow. I don’t have to hold back my smile. When our hands brush against each other in passing, her cheeks blush because she knows we both noticed it.

It’s been nice.

But the relief of telling her doesn’t relieve the fact that I still want her. That I often find myself wondering what her lips would feel like or wondering what it would be like to wake up next to her and start our days together.

There’s certainly no relief in feeling like the shittiest friend in the world. Every time I see Sawyer’s name pop up on my phone, I’m expecting him to call me out and tell me I’m the biggest piece of shit. But that text never comes because Willow keeps her promise and doesn’t tell anyone what we talked about.