Page 34 of Emil

EMIL

This was…unexpected.

When I came into the kitchen to find Anders pounding his bread dough, I hadn’t expected it to end with me getting a blowjob from him in my office. I recognized that it had less to do with me as a person and more to do with Anders. I didn’t think it was sexual, and that was the part that confused the hell out of me.

The effort it took to give him space, to let him perform, and to keep my hands away was a level of self-control I wasn’t aware I had in me. Every nerve ending in my body had screamed to take over, but I knew that was exactly the wrong thing he needed from me. He didn’t need me to take over. He needed me to let him perform.

Now I had this giant of a Viking sitting between my knees, his head resting on my thigh, my fingers tangled in his hair, and I couldn’t conceive of a place I’d rather be than right here in this moment. Even if I wasn’t exactly sure what the moment was, I knew Anders needed me. Right now. Like this. And I knew I wanted to give it to him.

That would have to be enough introspection for now. I lay my head back against the chair and let the relaxation Anders was projecting in waves wash over me.

“Thank you.”

Anders didn’t answer, but a soft sigh escaped him and a small smile played across his lips. I wasn’t sure how long we stayed like that, but I knew I wasn’t moving until Anders was ready. He chose me for this moment, and there wasn’t a goddamn thing I was going to do to ruin it for him.

We stayed together like this for at least thirty minutes. When Anders finally began to stir and move again, I felt the loss to my core. I wanted him to stay where he was, and I didn’t know how or why it affected me as much as it had.

Shit. Whatever was going on, I needed to get a handle on it. I needed to make sure I wasn’t putting him in a worse position than before he came out here. The notion of John accepting service from Anders without twisting it into something ugly was impossible. John would take this and crush it. I suspected it was how he’d kept Anders dancing on a string. The odds of him giving Anders the kind of attention I suspected he needed were somewhere between zero and not one fucking chance.

“I’m going to go recheck my bread,” Anders said as he lifted his head from my lap. His lips were swollen and rosy, but his eyes were clear. The tension he’d been carrying in the kitchen was gone, as were the frown lines around his mouth. He was more in control. Steadier.

I nodded. There wasn’t anything else to say between us right now.

He carefully, almost reverently, tucked me back inside my pants. He redid the zipper, clasp, and belt in reverse order. His fingers were nimble and sure. There wasn’t hesitation in his touch. In fact, it felt like he was in his element.

“Your shirt?”

“Just leave it.” Anders nodded again and slipped silently out of the room. I missed him immediately.

If I was clocking this correctly, I knew of exactly one friend who could help me navigate this brand of unknown and who’d keep his damn mouth shut about it. I grabbed my phone from the table next to the chair and scrolled through my contacts.

You on the island this evening?

Can I buy you a drink tonight? I need to talk to you about something.

Calvin

I promised Micah I’d take him to his book club tonight, but they have a wine bar attached to the store. Want to meet me there? Seven.

Everything all right?

I’ve got a situation, and I need to get it right.

You get some guy pregnant?

Ha! Not yet, and I haven’t tried lately.

Then I guess I’ll find out later.

Yeah. Thanks. I’ll see you tonight.

I wished I could’ve brought Anders with me tonight.

He’d like the clean lines of the bookstore with its cozy seating spots and hidden alcoves to relax beyond prying eyes. I made a mental note to mention it to him, and, well, bring him back myself. Being away from him, especially after what happened this afternoon, left me uneasy.

For the first time since Anders had come to stay with me, I’d left him alone at the cottage. Until this afternoon, I’d ignored every obligation, every reason, every pull to leave the island, just to be with him there. Maybe I hadn’t even named him to myself as the reason I stayed, but this afternoon had cemented it.

When I told him I wouldn’t be joining him for dinner tonight, Anders said nothing. That alone made me worry. There was no question, no pushback, no expression at all. Just quiet understanding. And that unsettled me more than if he’d argued.