Page 36 of Emil

“Yeah, actually,” Cal answered. He waited to speak until after the server dropped off another cider and left. “He’s definitely sounds like a service sub, and maybe a boy too.”

“What’s the difference?”

“A service sub needs to serve to feel like himself. It’s more than just a preference. It’s who they are, not what they like to do.”

His explanation hit hard. That was Anders to the letter, and today had been a perfect example.

“And the boy part?”

“The part of him that needs you to take care of him when he’s not being useful or earning your approval. If he is a boy, he’ll need to know he doesn’t need to earn a place in a person’s life.” He paused for the words to sink in. “But if you can’t take care of him the way he needs, you should walk.”

“Why?”

“Because he’ll turn himself inside out trying to please you, and when it doesn’t work, or he doesn’t get the payoff, he won’t walk away, he’ll try harder. Over and over until he has nothing left to give. I do know you well enough to know you wouldn’t do it on purpose, but intent doesn’t fix shitty impact.”

“How would that look in practice?”

The thought of hurting Anders sat wrong with me. I wasn’t entirely clear on what he needed, but I knew he hadn’t gotten it from John. Calvin’s warning about turning himself inside out to try to please someone who withheld their approval set off a blaring alarm in my mind. That is precisely what Anders would do.

“When it’s too much, step in and shut it down. Take care of him instead of being a selfish prick who expects all the effort from him. Say thank you and mean it.” Calvin stopped to think a bit and added, “Mostly, don’t be a prick.”

We lapsed into silence as Calvin concentrated on my food and I replayed my actions this afternoon, trying to figure out if I’d done right by Anders.

“Hi, Emil. It’s nice to see you again.”

Micah had slipped over to our table without being noticed. Happiness and regular meals looked good on him. His eyes were bright and his dark curls were bouncy. He was a far cry from the scared man Calvin first introduced me to when they first met. Calvin had been tight-lipped about their initial meeting, but people talked and rumors spread.

“Same to you. How’s college going?”

“It’s going well, thank you. It’s a little strange to be back full-time after being out for a bit, but I’m enjoying it.” Micah looked at Calvin, then back at me. “Calvin said you’ve met someone?”

“Uh, yeah, I mean…sort of.” I hated being tongue-tied.

“We’d love to meet him. Maybe we could do dinner?” Calvin looked so pleased at Micah’s invitation. When I’d first been introduced to Micah, he’d been quiet, shy, and highly unlikely to put himself out there for any reason. And that was exactly the reason John targeted him at a charity event. “We’re going to Quill on Friday for dinner. Would you like to join us?”

“Let me ask him his plans, and I’ll let you know.”

Those lights in the driveway were me.

Anders

I hope you had a good dinner.

Well, I ordered a snack, but my friend ate most of it.

Next time, I’ll smack hands.

Not a fan of sharing food?

I’d share with you. Cal can get his own.

What did you do for dinner?

It was late when I finished the file I was working on.

That didn’t answer my question.

I skipped it tonight.