Page 30 of AJ’s Fire

For a second it felt like Jackson was leaning toward me, our faces, our lips so close. Was he? He couldn’t possibly be … All I could do was stare at those lips, so close I could tell they were chapped from the cold winter air.

Jackson dropped his head, and I realized a few things at once. I was still holding his side in a tight grip, I was still holding his coat as we stood outside in below-freezing temperatures, and his phone was still on the concrete somewhere at our feet. He hadn’t been leaning in to kiss me, of course he hadn’t; he must have been looking for his phone.

I used the hand on his waist to guide Jackson away from the door, and only then did I let go and shove his coat at him. While he worked himself into it, I scanned the ground and found the phone, face up and illuminated, a message of some sort having just come in.

The rest of our group, who had been chatting off to the side and paying no attention to us, turned then.

“Here’s our first car! Oh, and our second!”

Casey grabbed Jackson by the arm as I extended my arm to hand over his phone, but she pulled him away too quickly and led him to the first vehicle. I waved the phone at him, and he nodded as Casey shoved him in the cab.

Emily looked from me to the two figures piling into the back of a cab, sent a small frown my way, then followed Jackson into the car. My brother was holding the door of a second vehicle open for Ruth. I sat in the front, Jackson’s phone still in my hand.

I was about to put it in my pocket so I could get my seat belt on when it buzzed and lit up again. I didn’t realize I was invading his privacy until too late. I’d become so accustomed to glancing at a phone when it buzzed, and I never really carried anyone else’s, so bringing the screen to my face was not a conscious choice. Seeing a message from a site called Guys4Guys was not my intention. It wasn’t until I had read the note that I realized what I had done.

Newbie1164: A cabin at Cedar Lake. Sounds perfect.

I quickly shoved the phone in my pocket and buckled myself in as we made the drive to some club called The Lava Floor. Staring out the window at the New Year’s Eve chaos, our cab crawling along the congested roadways, the lights of the city flashing, my ears buzzing: it was the perfect metaphor, the universe that is New York City bustling all around me while my world had slowed to a stop.

Somewhere behind me I heard Jamie checking in with the babysitter. “Nah, little one. He’s in the front seat … Yup, with the window between us … Here, hang on.”

There was a tap on the glass, and I startled. I turned toward the back of the cab to find a smiling Ruth. Jamie held his phone up to the glass, and though all I could see was my niece adjusting a lopsided headband on her head, I’d become acutely aware that someone else’s phone was none of my business. My heart started to hammer as I stared at her.

“Hey.” Jamie tapped again. “Vee wants to say hi.”

I turned as best I could in the front seat, and Ruth took the phone from Jamie so Vera was at a better angle.

“Happy New Year, kiddo. Check out that headband. Pretty cool. Did you make that?”

Vera began describing the arts-and-crafts project in detail until her father cut her off. “Little one? Say goodbye to Uncle AJ. I’ll see you soon.”

“Okay, Daddy. I’ll see you when you get home. I’m definitely big enough to stay up until midnight. I won’t fall asleep! Happy New Year!” She blew a party horn, the sound blaring throughout the cab.

“Love you, kiddo,” Jamie said, and I could hear a bit of sadness in his voice. “I’ll be home soon,” he promised again. I snuck a glance at Ruth, and she smiled at me, not fazed that Jamie seemed clearly anxious to get home to his daughter.

I went back to staring out the window but couldn’t stand it. I took out Jackson’s phone and stared at the message as another one popped up.

Newbie1164: It means a lot that this is all new to you too. I’m really looking forward to our date.

I knew what Guys4Guys was. One of my younger brothers, Vance, had spent a lot of time in the city with us after Vera’s mom died, and on a rare night that we talked about that kind of thing with Vance, he brought it up when he, Jackson, and I were at Jamie’s.

“I mean, you hook up all the time, AJ. Right? What’s the hetero version of Guys4Guys?”

“I honestly have no idea, Vance. That pub near the station, O’Doyle’s, or Lucy's Taphouse work just fine for me.”

I can remember jokingly brushing my fingers on my opposite shoulder, a gesture of mock pride as Jackson coughed out a “bullshit.” He started listing any number of apps he and I were both on.

“For some of us”—Vance shrugged—“the apps are just easier. More convenient. I used them a lot in Seattle. I mean, it’s not like I’m looking to date, or to find the love of my life or whatever. I’m just looking for a good time, you know.”

“You are so right, Vance. Who believes in that ‘great romantic love of your life’ bullshit! It’s a myth.”

“I didn’t say that,” Vance mumbled while staring at the TV, like whatever political story the newscaster was prattling on about was the most important thing he’d ever heard.

Jackson and I teased Vance about his romantic side and how successful his novels were as a result, and there was no more talk of hookup apps after that. But with two other gay brothers back home Upstate, Guys4Guys had definitely come up again. I’d seen both of our gay brothers warn our youngest brother, Hunter, that they better not find him on those types of apps at his age.

I shut Jackson’s phone as the car pulled to a stop in front of an alley. I paid for the cab and hopped out, my brother and Ruth ahead of me, finding the rest of our crew waiting near a decidedly not chaotic and very-nondescript side entrance. Emily had her phone to her ear, and a moment later, a sharply dressed woman, about my age or a bit older, opened the door.

“Ms. Wyecrest, Mr. Dorso. Welcome to The Lava Floor. Right this way.” We were led into an area of the club that was clearly not for customers though we could hear the music, the shuffling feet, and the sounds of who-knew-how-many people having fun somewhere nearby. I held the door open as everyone else filed in.