Page 34 of AJ’s Fire

I nodded again, and AJ found a section of wall to lean on. I followed, but before I could take up real estate next to him, people had filled him in on either side, so I stood in front of him instead. Then we just looked at each other as happy, drunken people walked past, brushing into me, causing me to step closer and closer to my friend each time.

My friend! My best friend, who couldn’t hear me over the noise of a loud club, so he had to lean in close. Who didn’t want to lose me, so he wrapped his arm around me. Who had been patient with me as I pulled away from him for months on end, afraid of what I’d discovered about myself. Afraid of what it meant for our friendship. Afraid of what I wanted it to mean.

Another reveler walked past, and I was another half step closer to him. Next I could see a gaggle of people barreling down the sidewalk, laughing and screaming and generally having a happy New Year. There wasn’t room enough for them and me, and I looked around quickly for any small sliver of space to get out of the way, but there was none, and too soon it was too late. I had no other choice but to step closer still, to line myself up from head to interlocked feet with AJ Gordon. Instead of looking at me, he watched the group as they brushed up behind me. When they passed, I went to take a step back, but AJ grabbed me by the waist with one hand, jerking me toward him until we were flush, our chests touching, my cheek brushing his.

I could feel his hand tightening around my waist, but I couldn’t look at him. He could have no idea what being in such close proximity to him was doing to me, and he could never know. We had worked together for so long that we were in tune with each other, on the same frequency. Seasoned veterans talked about us at the station. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t mess that up. It was an unnatural feeling, not wanting him to be in tune with me.

“Jax?” AJ whispered in my ear.

“I can’t,” I whispered in return, and he pulled back to look at me.

“Jax.”

I had to get out of there. “I can’t come with you, Aje. I’m going … I'm gonna head home.”

“Okay. Jax. If you’re sure. I mean, you could come to the house. We could talk about … anything. Jax, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?” He sounded so sincere and looked worried and confused.

I put on my brightest Dorso-heir smile. “Of course, I do, AJ. I just … you know, long day. I’m gonna go.” It was clear he could see right through it.

He was still holding my side, and it felt like I was leaving a part of me behind when I pulled away and turned to leave. “I’ll see you at the station, bro.”

I thought I heard him mutter “bro” like it was a question as I marched down the sidewalk, barely paying attention to the crowds of people I had to fight my way through. I made my way to the subway and was in my bed two hours later, my ears still buzzing from the noise of the club, my heart beating in confusion, my desire and my thoughts a jumbled, screaming mess.

I got up the next morning to a barrage of phone notifications. There were many simple wishes for a Happy New Year, but among them was a text from Emily, wanting to know how the rest of my night had gone, and one more from Newbie1164, wishing me a Happy New Year and letting me know once more that he was looking forward to meeting me. There was none from AJ, except for a response in the group text we had put together for the six of us, thanking us for ringing in the New Year with him.

Jamie had responded by thanking us all for a lovely evening, a comment that Ruth thought deserved three laughing emojis. The general consensus on the text chain was that the group would be happy to get involved with the station’s Family Fun Day, and talk went back and forth about that, the evening before forgotten as they texted about future plans.

I ignored it all, except for the quick Happy New Year I sent my parents, and went for a jog, pushing myself in the cold air. With a vast majority of the city sleeping off the night before, my route was oddly quiet. I blasted some mind-numbing heavy metal music and pushed myself, both physically and mentally, as I convinced myself I was really going to go through with it and head up to the Cedar Lake cabin.

I kept the music pulsating at the coffee shop where I had a quick breakfast, and I hurried into and out of the pharmacy on my block, a fresh pack of condoms and lube among the travel-sized items I probably didn’t really need to bring with me but bought anyway.

I sent my playlist to the speaker in my bedroom and let it clamor as I showered and changed, then packed a small suitcase. Then I stood staring at the luggage as it lay open on my bed.

“Fuck it,” I eventually said, slamming the suitcase shut, shoving my earbuds back in and heading down to my building’s garage.

It only took about an hour and a half to get to my grandparents’ cabin. It was midafternoon when I got there, and part of me wanted to text Newbie right away, to invite him over early and get our first date over with.

That thought stopped me. Meeting a man, hooking up with a man for the first time, shouldn’t be something to just get over with. I wasn’t ticking a box on a list. Yeah, I needed to find someone, someone who wasn’t AJ, that I could explore my feelings with. But it shouldn’t be something that I was hoping to just get over with. That wouldn’t be fair to him or to me.

I was having doubts about my meetup but was determined to see it through, so I messaged Newbie1164 one more time, letting him know I looked forward to our evening. Like so many of the lies I’d told myself, I wanted it to be true. I also texted Emily, letting her know where I was and what I was up to, and she gave me explicit instructions to text her before midnight to let her know I was safe.

I jogged again to release some of my nervous energy before heading out to the nearby grocery store for some snacks and beer. I grabbed a bottle of wine along with a premade charcuterie board.

Back at the cabin, I showered and dressed, lit a fire, and spent an inordinate amount of time choosing a music playlist. And then I sat on the couch, staring at a tray of meat, fruit, and cheese.

“Fuck.” That had lasted all of five minutes. I jumped violently from my seat and raided the bookshelf behind me, settling in with one of my grandfather’s thrillers.

Chapter Eleven

AJ

What in the ever-loving fuck was I doing?

I’d been up there with him a million times before. The house on the lake. The one his grandparents loved but his parents rarely visited, deeming it too rustic and primitive after their rise in fortune. It had been a modest summer getaway cottage for Jackson’s grandparents for years, and his own parents had tried to talk them into selling it numerous times. Instead, they had made it their summer home after they retired, leaving it empty over the winters.

Jackson took on the role of winter caretaker, visiting every once in a while and making sure everything was in order. I knew the Cedar Lake cabin was important to Jackson, and that it held a special place in his heart.

For as long as we’d been friends, Jackson had dragged me along for visits to the house on the lake, to party, to fish, to putt around on the little boat, or to zip around the lake on Jet Skis. If his grandparents weren’t around, sometimes we’d have dates in tow, or pick up women at a local bar. The hot tub sure as shit came in handy on those trips, but mostly it was just the two of us, hanging out, letting go. I never went with Jackson to his parents, but I had met Gram and Gramps Dorso any number of times.