Page 46 of AJ’s Fire

“Us.” It was hard to hear the subtleties in Jackson’s tone over my car speaker, but at least we were talking.

“Yeah, I mean if it helps you to talk to her since she already knows. You can tell her that we’re …”

He jumped in. “Fuck buddies.”

“Whatever we’re calling it.” I tried not to sound disappointed and assumed he’d missed any subtleties in my voice as well as we followed each other on the parkway.

“Okay. I mean, I don’t know if I will. But thank you for saying that.” We were quiet, and I could hear the white noise through the phone and the wind from outside my window. “But, Aje?”

“Yeah, Jax?”

“I’m sorry. I’m just not ready for you to tell anyone. Jamie, or Josh and Vance. Any of the crew. Oh god, and definitely not your stepmother.”

I had to laugh at that. “She’ll be picking out our wedding colors,” I agreed.

We both laughed and then got quiet. Again, it was hard to read the room when driving separately, but was he picturing our hypothetical wedding like I was?

Eventually he spoke, “I know it’s a lot to ask.”

“I already told you that it’s not. I’m a man of mystery now. I love it!” I decided to refocus the conversation. “Hey, what do you think about Jamie and Ruth? Do you think he’s two for two in the New Year’s Eve Club?”

Jackson scoffed. “The New Year’s Eve Club?

“Yeah, like the Mile High Club.”

“You're such a dork. Plus, it was you who said they didn’t have chemistry.”

“Yeah, but something’s up with Jamie. Can’t put my finger on it, though. I mean, Ruth seems nice.”

“Yeah, she is.”

Jackson went on to talk about his teenage years with Emily and Ruth as we caravanned back to the city, and our conversion remained comfortable, normal, for the rest of the trip. Normal except for the part where we didn’t talk about the night before.

We both lived near the station, though Jackson lived on the top floor of a high-rise, and I rented the basement apartment of a small home that had been carved up and rented out for years. My little apartment had a living room with an open kitchen behind it, one small bedroom, and a serviceable bathroom that I’d taken upon myself to renovate a few years ago, when it occurred to me that I didn’t want my friends, or my hookups, judging me by the age or state of my toilet and sink.

Jax and I didn’t say goodbye until I informed him that I was parking.

“I’ll see you in a few hours at the station, Jax.”

“Yeah, man. I’ll see you soon.”

My shitty apartment had never really felt like home. I had Jamie’s or Jax’s places for that and a big, beautiful house on a hill in Hampstead to compare it to. I remembered being so pleased the day I rented it after my training was done, and I had been assigned to Station Five. I’d been so proud.

Dad and Nat had showed up the following weekend and tried their best to be complimentary, but Nat’s words came back to me as I entered the apartment to get ready for our shift.

She’d grasped my upper arm. “We’re so proud of you. This is the perfect first apartment, AJ. Perfect for a young man starting out on his own. I can’t wait to see where you go from here.”

That had been over twenty years ago. I’d kept my little apartment while other renters had come and gone from the floors above me. As countless women came and went, for the night or for a few weeks, or if they were down for no strings, sometimes for longer. There’d been friends from the fire station here and all of my siblings, with the exception of Jamie, had crashed on the couch at one time or another when they were visiting the city.

It was only as I passed through the door that day that I realized that mentally, I’d agreed with Nat back then. This place was never meant to be my home. It had been meant as a stop along the way. I’d assumed back then that I would, in my own modest way, find the happiness Jamie and Anna had, or that my dad had found with his second wife. I’d never intentionally said I didn’t want that, never intentionally decided the hookup scene was my future. And yet somehow I’d found myself approaching forty years of age contemplating a real relationship for the first time.

I had to restrain myself from calling him right away. Figuring that he was a little more shook up about all of this than I was, I was determined to give him his space.

I called my brother instead, thinking I could somehow honor Jackson’s wishes but still steal a little free therapy from Jamie.

“Hey, man. I’m glad you called. Devon’s going to be here in a few days, and it just now occurred to me …”

“Devon?”