Page 6 of AJ’s Fire

“We have coffee upstairs,” the chief groused before clearing his throat to get my attention, which he had to do because I was busy staring at the objectively hot guy in front of me.

“AJ Gordon, meet the probie, Jackson Dorso.”

“Cool, like the company,” AJ interrupted. I ignored the comment, not wanting to confirm for my new colleagues that I was indeed heir to the “cool” company. The chief still looked exasperated at AJ, but there was affection behind it.

“Dorso, I’m gonna partner you up with Gordon here. Your training isn’t complete until you know how to deliver coffee, apparently,” he snarked.

“Yes, sir.”

AJ reached out his hand. “Jackson, welcome to the Fifth Battalion. Looks like we’re going to be partners!” he said good-naturedly as I took his hand.

From my seat in a downtown restaurant, five years later, I felt the zap of it, of touching his hand that first time, the sun shining behind him while he smiled at me and made me feel welcome.

“Oh, shit, Ems. I think I might be …” I looked at her helplessly.

She waved her hand, and a waiter appeared from over my shoulder. “We’re gonna need another round.”

“Gay, Ems?”

“You know I can’t answer that for you, Jax. I’m sorry for presuming, but … Do you date women?”

I refrained from saying I bang women to my old friend.

“I don’t really date, Ems. I go out. I hook up.” It was a justification I’d given a million times, voiced with braggadocio and pride. I felt neither of those things, admitting it to Emily.

She looked right at me. “And that’s what you want?”

“I … I don’t know. I mean, I definitely enjoy women. I’m attracted to them. And …”

“And?”

“And I think, maybe, I’m also attracted to men.”

I closed my eyes and tried to picture myself happy and in love. I worked to ignore my parents’ hangups and overprotectiveness. I also tried to picture myself and my future partner at a movie premiere or hosting a fundraiser for the incumbent president or even at a fire department event. Those were all images that Emily fit into perfectly, but could I ever picture myself with … Holy shit!

A fog that had been clouding my brain for years lifted, and in its place was a beefy firefighter, illuminated from behind, smiling with crinkled eyes, carrying coffee. My happiness wasn’t some ephemeral someone out there for me to find, he was my best friend. And whether we were fighting fires, or watching cartoons with his niece, or dressed in tuxedos and shaking hands with very important people, when I saw my future, all I saw was him.

Emily watched as a series of emotions crossed my face. “You could be bisexual,” she said softly.

“Bisexual,” I repeated. “Ems, I think I’m bi.”

Her eyes held empathy before they switched to mirth.

“You know I still expect you to find me a hunky firefighter to date, right?”

That night was the catalyst. After that conversation, I stopped hooking up with women and went out less and less with AJ. I didn’t know what to do. I was at a loss. I missed my friend, but I had some things to figure out, and I didn’t think I could do that and be around him.

Over the next few months, I would download gay hookup apps to my phone, but every time I did, I would chicken out, deleting them after a few hours or a few days. I actually did spend a lot of time with Emily and used that as an excuse for not spending time with AJ. I fell into the exact same pattern Emily and I had had when we were younger. People, including our parents, assumed we were dating. Maybe AJ did too.

By the time the next fall came around, I knew a few things about myself. I was attracted to men, at least as much as I’d ever been to women. I was using Emily as an excuse to avoid AJ, and I was completely, stupidly, head-over-heels in love with my best friend.

I didn’t know how to resolve that last one, but avoiding AJ for months hadn’t done the trick, so when he invited me out before Thanksgiving, I put a plan in place.

Chapter Three

AJ

Sure, Jackson had been acting weird for months, but sometimes he wasn’t the only one to act weird. We were on shift at the station in the fall, months after our weird New Year’s Eve, and a bunch of the crew were participating in a “who has the longest second toe” contest. But that was just the everyday weirdness that went on when we had down time at the fire station.