Page 63 of AJ’s Fire

He tensed, and I didn’t know where to begin. This was such new territory for me, not because he was a man, or because he needed time, but because I’d never been in a relationship before. I went with the simple truth.

“I want us to be together.”

He tensed up more. “No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do. Don’t you see, Jackson? It’s like we’ve been together this whole time. We just … we fit together. We’ve been a puzzle missing its last piece. These past five years, we’ve been putting the puzzle together, becoming friends, becoming partners, becoming each other’s ride or die.”

He mumbled, “Bro code,” in confirmation.

“Spending almost every minute together. Wanting to spend every minute together. But we dropped the last puzzle piece, and it, I don’t know, got tucked under the carpet. Now it’s kicked out, and …” I grabbed his hands in mine and lifted them out of the water, mimicking the two of us, hands joined, fitting the last piece of a puzzle into place.

He sighed a heavy sigh, leaning forward to shut off the jets. “We can’t.”

“I’ll wait.”

“No, I can’t. My parents.”

“Your parents will come around.”

“It’s too complicated. You’ve never met them.”

“You’ve never invited me,” I stated matter-of-factly, but it seemed so much more important in light of how I felt about him, the fact that he had kept his life in Brooklyn so separate from his parents and had kept his parents separate from me. Jackson had been up to Hampstead more than once and was close with Jamie and like another uncle to Vera, and yet I’d never met the famous Dorsos.

“It would be too much, AJ. I’m already such a disappointment to them. To come home with …”

“Your parents are around my dad’s age, right? They had you when they were a little older? I mean, I guess that generation can be uncomfortable about the queer thing, but aren’t your parents donating to the Burcus Center? Do you think they’d …”

He interrupted in a whisper, “It’s not about being bi. At least not entirely.” His voice rose as he got more worked up. “I mean, I’ve struggled, thinking about telling them. It’s one thing to sponsor the right charities. To some extent, it’s all about appearances for them. That’s why … That’s why the firefighter thing is such a wedge between us. They spent all this money to get me into the best schools, and instead of following their path, I’m doing manual labor, working for the city.”

It was my turn to tense. “You're a hero who saves lives. And a skilled one at that!”

“I don’t need you to defend me. Don’t you see, it would be worse if you defended me. And…” I guessed that he was struggling to decide if he should go on. “And they’re very protective … worried about … about someone who’d be after my … our …” The last word, “wealth,” was back to a whisper again.

Realization hit me like a bolt of lightning, my whole body reacting with a sensation at least as strong as the swoop of my stomach but so much worse.

“It’s not because you're queer,” I whispered. “And it’s not because I’m a guy. It’s because I’m a firefighter. Because I'm not part of the one percent? Is that the issue, Jax?”

He rose from the tub, and I missed the feel of him. I watched him climb out and turn the lights back on before I stood, extinguished the candles and climbed out myself.

Jackson wrapped himself in a towel and handed one to me. As I dried myself off, I was reminded that Jackson’s towels were the softest and most plush I’d ever used. I wrapped one around myself at the waist and followed him back to the bedroom. We sat on the bed in our towels, facing each other from opposite ends: him against the footboard he’d been lying near a short time earlier, me at the headboard. He looked so lost.

“I never imagined you would want me, AJ. You said we were just fuck buddies.”

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“I want … I want so much. But I can’t have it, AJ.” He was on the verge of tears. “I can’t have what you're offering.”

“Because of Dorso Electronics?” I knew my voice sounded incredulous, but I really was trying to understand.

“Yeah,” he scoffed. “My parents' first baby, their first love. That fucking company.”

“What do they expect from you, Jax? They had to assume you’d find someone someday.”

“That’s not how it works with the country club crowd, AJ. What they expect? They expect me to get my head out of my ass. They expect me to come back to DE and take over. They expect me to marry Emily, like it’s part of the merger of the two companies. They want all of this to be about me sowing wild oats. Like a gap year … or five.”

“Is that what you’re doing, Jax? I thought we were a team. Partners. Can’t we … Couldn’t we convince them, together? You know I don’t have any designs on your money. Or … oh.”

I stopped and waited. I wanted him to say more, to tell me he knew I didn’t have designs on his fortune. To confirm that he felt we were a team. But he just sat there, arms crossed, sadder than I’d ever seen him. He was so torn up, and I had to fix it. That’s what this whole last year had been about, after all. Me figuring out what was wrong and helping him make it right. Jackson had obligations beyond my understanding, and I couldn’t get in his way.