Page 49 of Josh’s Play

“Cam, you know I’m okay with it.” I sat up and tilted my head toward him, asking for a kiss. In giving it, I could feel his body relax though his mind still seemed to be whirring as I looked into his eyes. “Besides, I kind of like it in your closet.” Campbell moaned but then moved quickly.

Twenty-five minutes later, I had a text that everyone, including Diane, who had joined them for breakfast before an early shift, was out of the house.

Finn: Lock the front door behind you. I’ll see you soon.

I’d never felt so energetic and excited during my morning walk of shame. I’d also never had a night before that had ended with me essentially doing homework.

I bounded back to campus and up to my room before heading out for the day. At the other end of a day of classes, I was still feeling an odd floating sensation, like I was a schoolgirl skipping to class and not a sleep-deprived student.

I returned to my room without a care in the world, floating through the door and letting it slam behind me. I found my roommate finishing up a phone call. I was too late, though I did try, to catch the door and stop it from slamming. Effing door, I thought at the same moment Devon said the words out loud.

“Just got off the phone with my parents,” Devon shared before informing me that his brother wasn’t going to make it home for Thanksgiving. Devon’s family lived in California, and he had always flown home for the short holiday break. With his twin bailing, I worked on convincing Devon to stay in town and join my family for the holiday.

“So?” I questioned. “What do you say? Turkey Day with the professor and the dean?”

“Oh! And we can go to the stragglers’ party. It’s supposed to be epic this year. I heard both the hockey team and the football team are basically required to stay here and practice. Oh, and did I tell you about that guy in my class from Spain? I’m going to talk him into coming. It’s going to be epic!”

I was already texting Campbell while Devon continued to speculate on who might be attending the epic party that was about a week away.

Shelley: I finished my article check your email.

Devon and I went to dinner and returned to the dorm, and I still had no response. I woke up the next morning and pulled my phone from the charger first thing. Still nothing. I checked my emails, and Cam had replied there. “This is really good, Josh. You should see about getting it published in the school paper.”

I replied via text: I’m waiting for the conclusion. I know you’ll hear soon. Until then, this is just SJ homework.

I waited a few minutes, but received no response, so I reached out again: C3 tonight after practice?

Finally, Campbell responded.

Finn: I can’t tonight.

The dots kept bouncing, and I followed them, mesmerized, wondering what Campbell was going to say. If we were face-to-face, I was sure his expressive eyes would give it away.

A few minutes later:

Finn: I don’t think I can before Thanksgiving. I’ll edit the next podcast recording and send it to you before the holiday.

I watched more dots float.

Finn: Ok?

Okay? No, it was not okay. My body still felt all weird and floaty every time I thought about him and even sometimes when I didn’t even realize I was thinking about him. I’d given him one of the hottest blowjobs of my life the night before, and sure, when I thought about that, it did things to my dick. But the floating feeling? That had very little to do with having sex and everything to do with being held by him and looking at him and knowing what he was thinking. Hell, it was like my insides housed a roller coaster just thinking about us simply sharing a bed while I wrote and he read.

So no, everything was not okay. None of my swooping feelings matched clandestine hookups and secret affairs and not seeing each other until after Thanksgiving. They weren’t the stuff of See you whenever for a little bit of fun. My feelings had grown so much bigger. They were so much more.

I understood why Cam was keeping his distance, though. I mean, he was basically keeping to the pattern I’d established of only seeing each other after his games. It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal that he was too busy to meet when there were only a few more days of school left and with everything else he had going on. But after the night we’d had, it didn’t occur to me that he would be the one to pull back. He didn’t even want to see me to work on the project. I was frustrated at Cam’s decision not to meet, but mostly I was frustrated at myself for allowing my hopes, my feelings, to cloud my judgment when it came to what Campbell needed.

“My feelings,” I said out loud, staring at Campbell’s texts. I could fully, if somewhat reluctantly, confess that my feelings were the stuff of new relationships and wanting to spend every minute together and wanting the world to know it. That clearly wasn’t what Campbell wanted or needed, and I needed to remember that.

I’d promised to respect that one thing, and I needed to keep that promise to him.

Good thing he couldn’t hear my sadness and regret through a text: Of course.

Or my hopefulness: CU at the stragglers’ party?

I was falling for Campbell Ryan. Truth be told, I had already fallen for him. And knowing that there was no way for us to be together, it simply hurt. With Devon around for the Thanksgiving holiday, more than once I almost started to tell him, but then I remembered how deeply Cam was in the closet, and I stopped myself.

I was alone in my feelings, ghosted by the man himself and with no one to talk to. I vowed to put it out of my head for the holiday, but that proved impossible.