Page 93 of Josh’s Play

I hit play, and Cam’s voice began.

“Hello, hello. Test, test. “Season in the Spotlight, Episode Seven: The End, aka the Beginning.”

I soar when I’m on the ice; everyone says it. It’s as if you were born to wear skates, Cam; born to block the puck. And I don’t remember a time when that wasn’t true. I can remember a time before that became my world, though. I was thirteen. I’d spent countless hours at the ice rink in town, and that summer I would be a junior counselor at the Rec. Center’s summer camp. There’d be swimming and outdoor sports and time on the ice. I couldn’t wait. I wasn’t a phenom yet, I didn’t have an entire coaching staff and medical teams monitoring my vitals and worrying over my muscles and joints and caloric intake. I was just a kid who loved to skate, and I was spending the summer in this wonderful limbo, no longer a camper, not quite yet shouldering the responsibility of the staff.

Ours is a small town. There were five of us CITs, Counselors in Training that summer. Three boys and two girls. One of the boys and girls paired up almost immediately, acting out the thirteen-year-old version of boyfriend and girlfriend, of going out. That left the three of us, me and Connor and Leah. Everyone joked, everyone asked, everyone wondered, who would Leah choose? It was talked about like it was inevitable. Leah would either date Connor, or she’d date me. Those were the choices.

The only problem with that was that I already knew, somewhere deep down, that Leah wasn’t a choice for me. I tried to hide it that summer because no one assumed that one of the possibilities was that I would like Connor instead of Leah. I continued to hide it after that summer was over because one search of the internet back then proved that there were no gay players in hockey. At least not in the upper echelons of the sport, and by the end of that summer, it had been made abundantly clear to me that if I worked hard, if I kept my head down, if I avoided distractions, the upper echelons were where I was headed. No one said the letters NHL when I turned fourteen, but people were thinking them. And I began to think them too.

I could soar on the ice, and if I played my cards right, I could fly my way right into the big show.

Joshua Marchetti-Gordon, I have kept my head down for six years, I have focused on hockey for all that time, and I’ve believed the men around me who said if I did that, if I made that sacrifice, I’d make it all the way.

I signed the papers today, baby. I did it. I’ve made it all the way, and twelve months from now, I will be soaring on behalf of the Buffalo Blizzard. But after all this time, I learned something new this year.

Not everything that life throws at you is a distraction.

Joshua Marchetti-Gordon, I am a better student because of you, a better person because of you, and contrary to what I’ve been taught, what I believed for all those years, I am a better player because of you.

People may listen to this podcast and think this season in the spotlight was about making it to the pros. But what it was really about, what it is really about, is becoming the man I was always meant to be.

And sure, for a very long time, part of that was becoming an NHL goalie, but I know now that was never all of it. I know now that becoming your boyfriend was as much a part of that journey as signing a player’s contract ever was.

When we release this podcast, babe, the spotlight is going to be on both of us. And it will be on us for way more than one season. Will you take my hand, Joshua Marchetti-Gordon? Will you soar with me?

Chapter Twenty-Two

Campbell

I’d found my way to the ledge in front of the dormant fireplace, across the room from where Josh sat on the couch. I had to dodge a few stuffed animals and plastic dolls along the way, as well as a blue pop-up tent. Josh’s eyes followed as I sat, but then he closed his. He’d leaned forward again, a defeated tension framing his posture. Eventually he leaned back and rested his head on the back of the couch, listening to my words.

He removed the buds as he lifted his head, cupping them in one hand and slowly, deliberately, placing my phone on the couch beside him with the other. There were tears in his eyes.

“This is all my fault,” he began.

I tried to work out what he meant, tilting my head from my perch across the room.

“Not sure what you mean, babe.”

“I shouldn’t have said any of the stupid fucking things I said last night.”

“Yes! You should have! Did you hear what I said? We’re on the same page about this. You said I wish everyone could know, and God damn it, Josh, I’m so sick of hiding. I wish everyone could know, too and they can! It doesn’t even have to be a big deal. You taught me that. Oh crap, I’m gay too, and boom, you were out, and your brother was out, and you got to live your life. I don’t want to keep you in the closet, of course that’s part of this, of course it is. But in equal measures, I don’t want to be in the closet anymore either.

“I’m not asking for some dramatic press conference or Sports News Now! interview. I’m just asking for us to be out when you go to Buffalo for this job, and when I follow you there next year for mine.

“Please, baby.”

We sat across the room staring at each other, both of us wiping away tears. Josh’s face began to soften into a smile, and I felt the weight of six years lift from my shoulders, knowing it would be okay for me to like the boy instead of the girl from here on out. To like this boy for the rest of my days.

He was crying through his smile, and I wanted to wipe his tears away, so I began to stand as the door burst open.

“Here’s Miss Octo and Miss Hedgy!” the high-pitched voice said.

I hadn’t met the child, but I’d seen pictures of the girl who was responsible for Josh and me meeting, and this was clearly her. I looked down, and sure enough, two of the dolls were an octopus and a hedgehog.

Vera ran into the room toward me, or rather toward the stuffed animals. “Hello,” she said before bending down and scooping them up. She turned and took in her uncle.

“Uncle Joshy, are you crying because you’re going to miss school?” Josh let out a laugh and opened his mouth to answer, but Vera continued before he could.