Page 46 of Technical Advances

“Not yet!”

I drew a big X at the top of the page. “Solve for x, when x is …”

“Benji, this isn’t some problem we can calculate our way out of!”

“Isn’t it?” I felt desperate all of a sudden. Like the electrical surge that sparked a light bulb, I had realized that part of protecting Anson was making sure he wasn’t miserable. When I saw him sitting on my couch, watching baseball with Jake, I was sure he’d been as miserable as I had been since my last day in the lab, and I hated it.

I positioned the marker. “Solve for X, Anson,” I stressed, “When X is us being together.”

“It's … but that’s not what you want, is it, Benji?” His words may have confused me for a moment, but just for a moment. Anson was trying to find a way out—because we should be finding a way out of the situation. He was assuming my excitement still had to do with having some kind of temporary fling with a man I’d worshiped since I was a kid.

Bullshit.

“Of course, it’s what I want, Anson!”

He was in front of me in an instant, hand at the back of my neck, his fingers anchored in my hair.

“No buts?” he asked, shaking his head no like he was sure that would be my answer.

“Zero caveats.” I smiled, my head mimicking his. “Absolutely. No. Buts.”

His lips were on mine, like he’d fade to nothing if he didn’t kiss me. My hand found his waist, the other still awkwardly holding the marker midair. His fingers gripped my hair, locking me in position. He took a step closer, and I tightened my fingers at his waist, beginning to lower my other hand as his lips cautiously sparked with mine.

“No!” I pulled away, turning to the wall and positioning the marker at the ready. “All the buts!”

I scribbled frantically below the big X.

X=A+B

“We can’t be together, Anson, unless we solve for X, because …” I thought about where to start, and my hand began to fly over the paper, barely keeping up with my thoughts.

Age gap

HR issues

Could interfere with Project Orthos

Will jeopardize your reputation

Friends with my dad

Beck will kill us

I paused. Those were the straightforward ones, the obvious ones we both could have easily come up with. I realized that to solve for X, what we really needed was to be honest with each other. So I started another section underneath my first list, writing again in bigger letters:

X=A+B.

Under B I wrote:

I have idolized you since I was a kid

Your picture was my screen saver

You may have been

(I crossed out the words “may have been” and continued)

you were part of my sexual awakening