Page 68 of With All My Haunted Heart

The shame doubles over itself like a writhing mound of snakes, the coiling and flexing of cold, sliding skin. Disappointing my parents, not living up to who they thought I should be, had hurt. God, it hurt so much, but this? Failing at the thing I chose? Failing the people who have seen and accepted who I really am—Pippa Ainsley, not Perpetua Ainsley Erikson, Nanette’s presumed successor at NACOW.

Flora has to fill that role now, whether she wants to or not.

It’s no wonder my parents threw me out. They must have known something was wrong with me, all the way to my core. It wasn’t just that my magic was wrong. I was wrong. I am wrong.

“Pippa.” Xander’s strong voice pulls me out of my head, and I force myself to meet his gaze. To accept whatever condemnation he has for me. He should throw me out. Revoke his friendship. Tell me he regrets ever pulling me into such a personal, important project.

Instead of the rejection I expect, his blue eyes are pleading. Searching. Somehow, that’s worse. “Yes?”

“What do we do?” His voice is soft. “How do we fix this?”

Right. They need a solution. I need to complete this contract and get out of their lives. “We’ve already exhausted the local spiritual hot spots.” My voice comes out steady, if robotic. But I can do this. I won’t leave a mess my mundane friends can’t fix. “I’ll need to travel. There’s another cluster of haunted locations a couple hours away. I’d added them to my list as a backup before we officially brought Laney here.”

God, just saying their name hurts. I can’t believe Laney’s gone. That all the ghosts are. I lean against the wall, swallowing my emotions. “I’ll buy more lepidolite, collect the five spirits we need, and then come back once it’s done.”

I won’t force you to look at me until I’ve fixed my mistake.

I’ll fix it, and then I’ll go.

“Uh, hi.” The chef steps into the room, looking uneasily between the three of us. “The teal ghost keeps writing increasingly distressed messages on the board in the kitchen.”

Laney.

Relief courses through me. Laney’s okay. We didn’t lose everyone.

“What did they say?” Elle asks.

The chef steps back into the hallway and points at the spirit board mounted there. “Mostly variations on that.”

We follow Oliviette into the hallway, where Laney’s frantic message meets us in bold, vivid teal.

Where Is Everyone???

My throat tightens. My eyes burn. This isn’t a fuckup I can fix by appeasing Sloane. Colton, with his sweet flirting, is gone forever. Xander will never have philosophical debates with Harry again. The Jens won’t get to attend any more dances.

Pippa? What Happened?

My heart clenches, but my throat is too tight to speak. Laney already lost all their friends once. They died young, out of nowhere, through no fault of their own. Just a terrible twist of fate, and they were alone. And now I’ve brought them here, surrounded them with new people, new ghosts, spirits they really seemed to enjoy. I’ve stolen those people from Laney, too.

Belonging to this family is a privilege. Not a right.

You are not fit to bear our name.

A touch on my arm startles me out of my thoughts. Xander leans close, his blond hair falling into his eyes. “Pippa? You okay?”

I shake off his touch. I don’t deserve his concern. I’m the one who should be worried about him, should be apologizing to him. “I need to go. We only have until Thursday to find suitable ghosts—”

“Pip, slow down.”

“We’re already behind, Xander. I have to go.” I bound up the stairs before the tears can start. If Xander sees me cry, he’ll try to make me feel better, and I don’t deserve that. More importantly, we don’t have time.

Once I’m in my temporary room, I grab a bag and toss in everything I might need. A couple of changes of clothes. The crystals not currently being used for the grids downstairs. I don’t have enough lepidolite for four ghosts. I’m short on garden quartz, too. I’ll need to swing by the office so Dea can source some for me.

A knock on the doorframe sends tension rippling up my spine.

“Don’t try to make this better, Xander. I know I fucked up, but I’ll fix it.” My throat tightens again, and I shove harder than necessary to get an extra sweater into my Lucente-Cole bag and zip it up. “I’ll find more ghosts and come back before Sebastian’s inspection. And then I’ll get out of your way so I don’t fuck up anything else.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Elle’s voice comes from the doorway, where I expected Xander.