Page 179 of The Dark Lord’s Guide to Honeymooning (and Other Acts of Tyranny)

“Two hundred thirty—” I cut myself off. Deep breaths. “And they’re all getting along?”

“Oh, absolutely not.” She smiled brightly. “The Shellfords and Moonbays have a three-generation blood feud, as I mentioned. Lord Brightwater thinks the Fekete twins are beneath him. The rooster has declared war on the kitchen cats. And someone started a rumor that you eat babies for breakfast.”

“I haven’t eaten a baby in years,” I said drily.

“I’ll be sure to clarify that at dinner.” She made another note. “Oh, and three marriage proposals have arrived for you this morning.”

“I’m already married.”

“Yes, but apparently some of our guests think you might be open to alternatives.” She pulled out a perfumed letter. “Lady Moonbay’s eldest daughter was quite creative in her suggestions.”

I incinerated the letter without reading it. “Where’s Thorne?”

“Hiding in the armory. He said, and I quote, ‘I didn’t sign up to babysit nobility.’ ” Vex paused and finally looked up at me from her notes. “My lord,” she began carefully, “perhaps you should speak with Lady Blackrose.”

“Perhaps I should turn this entire hall into a mass portal and dump everyone in the swamp.”

“The environmental impact—”

“I don’t care about the fucking environmental impact!”

Vex and Sebastian exchanged looks.

“Fine. I’ll go check on Arabella,” I said, desperate to escape. “Try not to let anyone burn down my fortress while I’m gone.”

“We’ll do our best,” Vex said. “Though I make no promises about Ferdinand.”

As if summoned, the rooster strutted into view, his red crest gleaming. He fixed me with one beady eye and crowed.

“I’m the Dark Lord,” I told him. “I’ve conquered kingdoms. I’ve broken demons. I am not going to be intimidated by poultry.”

The rooster regarded me for a moment, then squawked loudly before turning and running off.

“At least someone around here has some sense,” I muttered. Then I suddenly remembered why I’d even entered this chaos in the first place. “Vex, a word.”

I led Vex to a small alcove off the Great Hall, where the noise from the impromptu refugee camp was only slightly muffled. The sounds of children shrieking, nobles arguing, and that damned rooster crowing created a cacophony worse than any solstice party I’d ever attended.

“This is worse than the time the Syndicate hosted that orgy-slash–book club,” I muttered, leaning against the stone wall. “At least there, the participants knew when to use their inside voices.”

Vex’s lips twitched. “I believe Lady Blackrose would call this ‘hospitality.’ ”

“Speaking of my wife.” I fixed Vex with a hard stare. “You left her alone.”

Vex’s expression didn’t change, but she glanced at the shadows darkening the alcove. “She wasn’t alone. She had Nyx and the shadow warriors.”

“You were supposed to stay with her.” Heat built beneath my skin, the runes responding to my rising anger. I forced my voice level, but it took effort. “That was the entire point of sending you.”

Vex met my gaze, and I saw genuine regret flash across her features. “Lady Blackrose ordered me to return with the first group of families. Who was I supposed to obey?”

“Me,” I snapped. “Obviously me.”

Yes, the voice whispered. They should all obey. They should all kneel.

My hands were trembling. I pressed them flat against the wall behind me.

“Because from where I stand,” Vex continued as if I hadn’t spoken, “Lady Blackrose is perfectly capable of knowing her own mind and issuing her own orders.” She paused meaningfully. “And enforcing said orders.”

I exhaled through my nose. Then took a deep breath. Vex was right, damn it.