Page 51 of Jonny’s Redemption

“I forgot,” I whispered.

“Forgot what?”

“That I’m always safe with you. I should’ve told you but I was afraid.”

God, when was I going to stop being the ratty little girl who cared what other people thought?

“Afraid of me?”

“Afraid that if you knew the truth about me, the real truth, not the circumstances I grew up in, but the things I did, you’d know I wasn’t good enough for you.”

Silence fell heavy and hard. I shoved aside all the insecurities that plagued my thoughts. The uncertainties. The fears that were always in the forefront telling me that if people knew the truth they’d know I was nothing more than backwoods trash. They wouldn’t want to be near me.

Fear that was so real I woke up every morning readying for battle. I put on my designer armor, caked on my makeup, styled my hair, and I didn’t leave my house until my mask of perfection was in place. Anything less and people would know how worthless I was. But Jonny didn’t see me as worthless. Evie had never treated me with anything but kindness. Chasin hadn’t and he knew about my past.

Shouldn’t that have been enough?

God, why wasn’t that enough?

“Why can’t I let it go?” I asked.

“Same reason I can’t.” Jonny’s chest expanded with a deep breath and slowly collapsed as he exhaled. “We’re both holding onto the past because it’s what we know—simple, clear-cut. It’s easier to hold onto the hurt and anger than to forgive. Forgiveness means we have to step into the unknown and move on. It means we have to admit we have value. Our feelings matter. Then we have to forgive ourselves for the role we played and let it go.”

Forgiveness sounded scary.

“Are you ready to forgive?” I asked.

“I don’t know. But for the first time in my life, I have a place I wanna be. A place where my father and brother are not welcome. I want to be man enough to guide us into the future. I want to be strong enough to follow you into the unknown.”

He said he didn’t know but he was ready to move on. The question was, was I ready? Elmer, Kathy, and EJ should’ve been meaningless to me. Physically, I’d left them behind a long time ago yet I still allowed the three of them to control me and my future.

I was not in Shady Hollow. I wasn’t in Kentucky. I’d made something of myself. I’d earned everything I had including the man who was holding me safe like I was the most important thing in the world to him.

What was I waiting for? Why was I so scared to move on?

I closed my eyes and listened to Jonny’s heart—my heart, he’d given it to me. The beat so steady, soothing, and mine. I was where I belonged.

Forgiveness didn’t mean I had to go back. It didn’t mean I was excusing their behavior. It was a choice—my choice. Forgiveness was about me. My future. My life. My peace of mind.

I’d found my place and like Jonny said, Elmer, EJ, and Kathy were not welcome. All I had to do was shut the door and be done.

Forgive and move on.

Their actions were not mine. Whatever led Elmer to be the kind of man who neglected and beat his children was not my fault. Kathy’s inability to be a mother was not because I was an unruly, unlovable, bad child. EJ turning out to be his father’s son wasn’t my problem. They were mean, rotten people, and I was not them.

I was not them.

My eyes snapped open and the truth hit me hard and fast.

I wasn’t them.

“I forgive them,” I wheezed. “For everything. I don’t want to carry their burdens anymore. They were never mine but I dragged them with me everywhere I went. I couldn’t get away from them because I kept bringing them along. Me, not them. They haven’t been in my life for a long time but I brought them with me everywhere I went.”

I stopped speaking and waited. Not for Jonny to say something but to see if I felt different. Oddly, nothing changed. I didn’t feel lighter. I didn’t feel a weight lift. I didn’t feel the anger slip from my heart. I just felt like me.

Maybe I’d done it wrong.

“Damn. My girl, so strong. So brave.” Jonny wrapped me up tighter in his arms and I melted into his embrace. “Do you know how much I admire you?”