Page 34 of Playing With Love

When my eyes drifted open I still had Lenox’s attention.

“How’d you fuck that up?” His question was straightforward but his tone was still gentle.

He was correct, of course. I had been the one to mess everything up but I was still curious how he knew. “What makes you think I did something to fuck it up?”

“A week ago, Tucker was a man on a mission, intent on winning. I saw it, asked him for a word, he gave it, and laid it out. The two of you have a past. Somewhere along the line it got jacked. He didn’t tell me how that happened, just that you mean something to him so he intended to work through it and move on…with you.”

Lenox hesitated, his gaze went from gentle to infinitely kind. And it was good it did, it took some of the sting out of his words. Some but definitely not all.

“The man I saw yesterday was not a man intent on winning, he was a man intent on surviving. He was also pissed as hell. A man who fucks over a good woman he was determined to win isn’t pissed. He’s locked in his head, kicking his own ass knowing he screwed up. If he’s a smart man, he’s locked in there figuring out how to unfuck the damage he’s done. A man who’s been fucked over looks like Tucker—pissed. And that type of anger only comes from a place of hurt.”

I sucked in a breath.

“I hope you get why I’m telling you this,” Lenox murmured.

I got it. We had to work together and Lenox was worried.

“I understand.”

“I don’t think you do, Liza.” Lenox leaned forward, placed his forearms on the white-clothed table, and shook his head. “Once upon a time I was you.”

I blinked at that.

“You were me?”

“Oh yeah, darlin’. You see, I was in love with this woman. Had been for as long as I could remember. We started out as friends, got close, and over the years that turned, and when it did it scared the fuck out of me. Not my love for her. I was scared I was going to ruin her. I was scared my job was going to put her in danger. Instead of talking to her and telling her the truth I made a decision to end us and I did it in the cruelest way possible. Years later I had a second chance, but now I had a new problem—guilt had taken over. Fear and guilt mixing is a wicked cocktail. Instead of manning up, telling her the truth, I ended us a second time. I did it ugly, saying a bunch of shit I didn’t mean. Every word I said was a lie. I landed my blows, then walked away, and when I was done, I looked a lot like you look right now.”

I wanted to know if he got the woman back. No, I had to know he got her back, that the woman he was talking about was his wife, Lily. I had to know this and I needed the answer to be yes because if it wasn’t, there would be no hope for me.

But first…

“How do I look?”

“Like you’re lost. Like you’re wandering around in a daze of regret and guilt. Like you know you did wrong but you’re still too scared to fix it. It’s like going back in time and looking in a mirror. Over three decades have gone by and there’s not a day that goes by I don’t regret the time I lost. But worse, the hurt I inflicted.”

That was exactly how I felt.

“I don’t know how to fix it. But more than that, I don’t know if I should try.”

“Do you love him?”

The truth was on the tip of my tongue. I glanced at my full Bloody Mary and wondered if the bartender had added a splash of a truth serum along with the Kettle One. I lost the fight, or maybe I gave up. Lying hadn’t worked out that great for me. And that was the problem with a lie—one turned into two, then you were lying more to cover those lies until it was a twisted mess of shit.

When I never wanted to lie in the first place, I just didn’t want to tell the truth.

But there was no use hiding or lying to Lenox.

“Yes.”

“Then you should try.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“No, you’re right, it’s not. What I can tell you is, it’s worth it. It takes time, effort, and a whole lot of honesty. It takes facing your fears, trusting Tucker and earning his back. It takes swallowing your pride and putting yourself out there and being vulnerable in a way that’s going to terrify you. But, Liza, take it from a man who’s been in a far worse position than you’re in. If you love him, then it’s worth it.”

“Far worse?”

“The second time I left Lily she was pregnant with Carter. I didn’t know that at the time but it doesn’t make it any easier. Not only did I lose out on that, my woman was alone, scared, and hurt by my hand while she was growing my boy inside her.”