Page 94 of Playing With Love

On another squeeze he said, “She’s going to be fine.”

I wasn’t so sure about that. She loved her home, loved her friends, loved living in the mountains and she hadn’t hidden any of that on our tour.

Screw Mackenzie.

I had a thousand questions for Tucker. None of which I could ask, mainly because they centered around his time undercover. How he’d done this kind of work for so many years, how he’d immersed himself in the lives of criminals—not for days or weeks but for months on end, how he’d managed to keep himself intact and do that all alone.

Meanwhile, I had him with me and I was ready to come apart after an afternoon. I’d been undercover before and knew there would always be collateral damage, but this was worse than normal. We weren’t surrounded by criminals, we were surrounded by good people with big dreams and a felonious bitch who was going to crush a lot of people. Still, it put what Tucker had done into perspective.

“You’re impressive,” I told him.

“What?”

“I mean, I’ve always known that. I just don’t think I’ve ever told you, what you do, who you are, it’s impressive.”

“Baby—”

“I don’t know how you did it for so long. How you didn’t lose yourself in it. But you never did. You’ve always just been…you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you. Strong, patient, kind, honorable, funny, loving. You never lost that. A month, nine, a year when you were done, you just came back to yourself.”

“No, Lizzy, I came back to you.”

Almost immediately the air in my chest evacuated. Was that true? Was that what he thought?

“Tucker…” I trailed off when he picked my hand up off his chest and started twisting my ring around my finger.

“Straight up, Lizzy, I lost myself to it. My humanity. My honor. Out of necessity I became someone I didn’t like. Every time, it tore chunks out of me, ate away at my insides, and it wasn’t until I heard your voice or saw you that I’d come back to myself. That I’d remember the man I was and the man you expected me to be. The only thing that kept me going, kept me sane, was knowing when I was done, I was going home to you, even if home was a phone call.”

Guilt assailed hard and fast.

“I never should’ve walked away.”

Tucker stopped playing with my ring but only to bring my palm to his lips and kiss the band before he placed my hand over his heart.

“But you did,” he murmured. “And I should’ve told you the truth that night, but I didn’t. Sometimes, things work out when they’re supposed to work out. Sometimes, you gotta be patient. Other times you gotta push forward. The tricky part is when to do what.”

Tucker was proving he had the patience of a saint. Though he’d made it clear he was done waiting for me to sort my head and he was now pushing. Which was the only way we’d move forward; left on my own, I’d continue to live in denial. I’d live in that space between reality and the false world my father had built around me.

Speaking of…

“What did my father say?”

“Nothing worth repeating.”

I felt my stomach roil, my body tighten, and the urge to pull away from Tucker seeped in.

“No. Hell, no. Whatever is happening in your head right now, shut it down. He’s not allowed in this bed. He does not intrude. He does not get into your head and steal your peace. He’s a dick. In the five minutes I spoke to him he made that clear. I used that time to make myself equally clear he’s done doing that. You are no longer available to him. I don’t know if that’s gonna swing your mother out there and he’ll turn his venom on her. What I do know is that’s not my problem and it’s not yours. Like my mother, if yours doesn’t like the situation she’s found herself in, she can change it. But it’s not my problem and it’s not yours.”

I used that time to make myself equally clear he’s done doing that.

You are no longer available to him.

Mine.

“It’s just me,” I whispered.