Page 18 of Jonas

I swiped my screen and put the call on speaker.

“What’s up, KK? And you’re on speaker with me and Derrika.”

“We’re twenty minutes away. Should we pick up food?”

I glanced at Derrika.

“Unless you’re cool with frozen pizza you might want to grab something. Or we can Dash something when you get here.”

“We’ll Dash. Garrett is still working Barnes. The cameras in front of Delcon were taken offline for ten minutes so we have nothing. He’s still trying to find a traffic cam with a clear image.”

“I’ll work on Barnes if he wants to concentrate on the traffic cams,” Derrika offered as her fingers danced across her screen. “I’ll work backwards. I’m more interested in his current client roster than what he did in the Navy.”

There were a few beats of silence and I knew Kira was thinking. It wasn’t that she didn’t like help or input, but the woman had control issues when it came to evidence gathering.

“Can you get into his system without being spotted?”

“I’m nowhere as good as Garrett and I’m lightyears behind you but I can get in undetected.”

There was a back and forth about how Derrika was going to get into Barnes’s files. Kira offered suggestions, Derrika nodded, agreed, and tossed around her own process. I didn’t understand half the shit they were talking about, especially when KK rattled off some code that sounded more like a phone number that included letters. I knew Cooper was driving, but like me, he remained quiet and listened to the women.

“I’ll need my other computer for that,” Derrika told Kira.

I glanced around the apartment but didn’t see another device. “Other computer?”

“I have three computers,” Derrika answered. “This one I use for basic searches. When I have to dive deep I use a different computer that actually bridges to a remote computer that gives me more protection. And the third I use for personal stuff. When I’m done being Amy, that computer gets destroyed and I’ll get a new one for my new persona.”

Done being Amy.

“Amy Hart has quite the internet presence,” Kira said, sounding impressed.

Derrika smiled. “Thanks.”

“I couldn’t find anything for Derrika,” Kira continued.

If I hadn’t been watching closely, I would’ve missed the flinch.

“I killed her off a long time ago.”

The breadth and depth of that statement had my gut clenching. Eight words that dug deep. I knew a thing or two about killing off who you used to be. The sorrow that accompanied the relief to leave behind the poison in your past while at the same time not wanting to lose the protection it offers. The warm security blanket of trauma that reminds you you’re not above the pain, the rejection, the truth of life. The shedding of the past only to find out it follows you into the future.

I was no longer Jonas Lawson.

Yet I still was.

Killing him hadn’t erased a damn thing.

Wherever I went he followed. I still had the same blood on my hands, the same memories, the same sick feeling of knowing I was born into filth. I was nothing more than the product of dysfunction and abuse. The scars on my body hadn’t faded nor had the DNA changed.

“Jonas. Hey.” Derrika bumped my shoulder.

I jolted from my thoughts and mentally chastised myself for allowing myself to go there.

Nothing good comes from remembering the past. It was always better left in the dark.

“Sorry. What?”

Derrika’s eyes swept my face in a way that made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. It was a wholly uncomfortable feeling made worse by her expression. It was the same one Cash gave me when he knew I was skating the edge of memories I was too weak to forget. And right then, I knew she saw what only Cash had seen—weakness.