Page 55 of Thaddeus

“I don’t know. Everything’s happening so fast,” I told her.

“Yeah, it feels like you’re trying to drink water through a fire hose, doesn’t it?”

“Totally. I feel like it’s been months and not just days since Jefferson was killed, and I have to tell you, I don’t even know what day it is, or how long it’s been. One thing after another keeps happening.”

“Believe me, I get it. When you’re in the field, information is fluid and things change from minute to minute. What about Thad? How are you doing with that?”

Well, that didn’t take long.

“Our past, as I’m sure you know, is complicated. You also know I hurt him. Please understand I didn’t want that.”

She was quiet for a moment before she softened her voice even more. “Love’s often complicated.”

“You and Brooks are solid.”

“We are now, but we had a rocky start. I thought he was an arrogant, egomaniac and he thought I was a pain in the ass with trust issues. I think we were both right in some ways but mostly wrong.”

“Seriously? You’re not a pain in the ass, and you’re the only one who trusted I was who I said I was. Doesn’t seem like you have any issues there.”

“Well, part of that is because they’re men, they don’t trust easily, and are extremely protective of each other and me. They don’t let outsiders in, period. But especially in a situation like the one we’re in. They were also taking the cues from Thad who obviously had some, well…issues with you.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” I repeated, suddenly wanting Tatiana not to think poorly of me.

“I know, I read your file. I know why you did what you did. I can imagine it was just as heartbreaking for you to leave him. But just because I understand doesn’t mean I agree with you. Not to say a few years ago, I wouldn’t’ve done the same. I was used to working alone. I had something to prove, and I thought that meant doing everything on my own. But over the last few months I’ve learned to trust and rely on my team. They have my back no matter what, and just because I need them, doesn’t make me less than.”

“I didn’t have a team,” I protested.

“Yeah, Emerson, you did. You had Thad. He would’ve helped you and your family.”

And that was the crux of why I’d done what I’d done.

“Do you know anything about Thaddeus’ past?”

“No,” she admitted. “He doesn’t talk much.”

“Right, well, his childhood wasn’t good. Let's call it dysfunctional, and that’s putting it mildly. His father is extremely demanding, and didn’t agree with Thaddeus’ decision to serve. He wanted him to work the family business like his older brother. The problem was, Thaddeus didn’t want that and he saw how miserable his brother was. He joined the Navy against his family’s wishes which meant his family disowned him. He had nothing to fall back on. He needed to prove to himself he could make it without them. He wanted to live his dream and no one was gonna stop him.”

I stopped a moment to gather my thoughts. I didn’t want to gossip about Thad’s family but Tatiana needed to understand why I’d left.

“He would’ve helped me,” I started again. “If I called while he was on that training exercise and told him Autumn was missing, he would’ve come home and damn the consequences. That’s how much he loved me—he would’ve given up everything he’d worked for. He would’ve traded his dream to protect me. I didn’t want that. I thought I’d go home, see what was going on, and when it was over, I’d call him. But in the meantime, I didn’t think about what I was doing to him. I hurt him and there was no going back.”

“I didn’t know that about his family. And I hate to admit it, but he would’ve left that exercise and he would’ve gotten in trouble. Probably kicked off the SEAL team he was on.”

And that was why I’d left. I didn’t want to be the reason Thaddeus lost out on what he wanted. I didn’t want to be the reason he’d failed. I loved him too much.

“That’s why I left.”

She looked at me with sympathy I wasn’t sure I deserved. At the time I’d thought I’d done the right thing, but maybe there’d been another way. Maybe if I called sooner. Maybe if I’d told him straight out but begged him not to help, he would’ve listened.

There were a thousand maybes. A thousand what-ifs. But there was only one thing for certain—I’d lost him.

“You should tell him that.”

“I did. But there’s no going back. Nothing can change. I still need to help my sister and he hates me.”

“That man has a lot of emotions swirling around you, and hate may be one of them, but hate stems from care. He wouldn’t be feeling any kind of way about you after all these years if he didn’t love you.”

“That ship has sailed,” I told her.