Page 62 of Saving Meadow

“I don’t pity you.” Then he sighed. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you yet. You needed more time.”

“More time for what? More time for you to laugh at me about what an idiot I am?”

“Enough. You’re not an idiot and I would never fucking laugh at you.” Nick’s face had turned to stone, and his voice was rough with anger.

“Great. Just great. Did everyone on your team read the messages?”

“Meadow, listen to me, it wasn’t like that. No one was reading the messages to invade your privacy. We were simply trying to find clues as to where she would’ve taken you. Then she powered on the phone and Kristy was able to ping your location.”

“So, everyone knows how weak and pathetic I am. Whining and crying to my imaginary online friend about how lonely I was, how I’d never have a husband or baby, how I was falling in love with you. Oh, my God, they saw what I told Veronica Venus, ugh, Beth, about our first date.”

“No one sees you that way, and no one cares what you told that bitch. I promise you they were not reading the messages to gossip. All we wanted to do was find you.”

“Please just leave. I need some time to myself,” I begged.

“No way, Red. I’m not letting you sit in here by yourself.”

I needed him to go. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I couldn’t bear to look at him. How could I have been so stupid to tell my most inner thoughts to a stranger? So, I did the cruelest thing I could think of – the unimaginable.

“I don’t want you here. This is all your fault. Now leave me alone.”

I regretted the words immediately. Nick recoiled and hung his head before he looked back at me with more pain and shame than I’d ever seen in a person’s eyes. I did that, and to further twist the knife in my heart, I did it on purpose, so he would leave me to wallow alone in my self-hatred. I lashed out trying to make him hate me so I could in turn hate myself more. I didn’t deserve Nick. I was broken and weak. He needed a woman who was his equal, not someone who had nothing to offer.

I was destined to be alone the rest of my life.

29

Ugly regret

“How long have you been sitting there?” Nolan asked.

“Long enough for her to cry herself to sleep and my ass to go numb,” I told him.

“Come on, let’s take a walk.”

“I can’t leave. If she has a nightmare, I need to be here.”

“Levi will stand guard. You need a break.”

I relented only because I knew my uncle and he wouldn’t stop pestering me until I did as he asked. We walked out to the living room, and Levi went down the hall, taking my place standing guard outside the door. I’d helplessly listened as Meadow sobbed until she’d finally fallen asleep. I was completely lost and didn’t know what I was supposed to do next. She blamed me, too. Was I supposed to drive her home when she woke up and let her recuperate on her own? Make her stay and suffer having to look at the man who almost got her killed?

“What happened?” Jasper asked.

I told Nolan, Jasper, and Lenox about the conversation I had with Meadow and how she’d finally admitted that she blamed me.

“You know she didn’t mean what she said, she was trying to protect herself and push you away,” Lenox said.

“I don’t know why you think that, but you’re wrong. You didn’t see the hate in her eyes. She meant every word.”

“I know I’m right because I did the same thing to Lily when she first came back into my life. We’d spent about two weeks together. They were perfect; she was perfect. Then fear and self-doubt crept in, and I didn’t believe I deserved her. The team got a call-out, and I used it as an excuse to break Lily’s heart. I needed her to hate me, so I could walk away. I lied right to her face and told her I didn’t love her. When she called me out, I told her all she was to me was a good fuck. You cannot imagine the disgust I felt saying those words to the woman I adored. I understand why Meadow pushed you away. She doesn’t think she deserves love.”

I believed that Lenox thought he was right. And once again, more information about my uncle’s past was coming to light. I had no idea he and Aunt Lily had a rocky start. However, he was wrong about my situation with Meadow.

“I don’t know what to do now,” I admitted. “She blames me; I blame myself. What the hell do I do.”

“You wanna cut her loose?” Jasper asked.

“Fuck no. But I don’t think I have another option.”