Page 70 of Declan

In a moment of unusual embarrassment, heat hit my cheeks and I changed my mind, I didn’t want to talk about sex.

“Never mind.”

“Fearless, baby, let it all hang out. What about sex?”

“We can’t have it normal.”

“What’s normal?”

I pushed against him, needing space, but he refused to loosen his grip and my panic surged. Once again, Declan’s demeanor transformed. Gone was the alert he’d become when I brought up sex, and now standing before me was a pissed-off man, which only made my anxiety skyrocket.

“Step back.”

Shit. I hated how weak I sounded.

“Do you think I’d hurt you?”

His question didn’t register, I was trapped. Unease built and was nearing a crescendo where fight or flight would kick in. I needed him to let me go.

“Dec—”

“Answer me. Come back into this room. Into this moment. And tell me, would I ever hurt you?”

“No.”

“I can’t. You have to let me go.”

“Baby.” He softened his tone, then his hand moved to the back of my neck and his thumb pressed against my pulse point. “Touch me.”

“What?”

“Put your hands on my chest. Touch me.”

Declan wasn’t fond of my hands on him. There had been a few times when he hadn’t minded, but in general—no. And wasn’t that the root of the sex issue? I couldn’t have him on top of me and he couldn’t stand being touched.

“Just feel, baby.”

His request had me reminiscing about the first time he’d requested to me to feel. Back to our first kiss—my first kiss.

I didn’t move fast enough for Declan. I knew this when the hand not on my neck grabbed my hand and placed it on his chest.

Solid, strong, warm.

That was Declan. He’d become my touchstone. In the months before we’d gone to Afghanistan, if my mind started to wander, all I had to do was look at him and he’d bring me back to the present.

He wanted me to be fearless? Wanted me to let it all hang out? Tell him what had me paralyzed? Fine. I’d give it to him—all the ugly parts, and the parts that were stolen from me.

“When I was young, I was close to my dad. I loved my mom and sister, but I was a daddy’s girl. When I was thirteen a boy asked me out, my dad took me for ice cream. Just me and him. He told me he was going to let me go on the date, that it would be my first of many, and each date, each new boy would teach me something. They would teach me self-worth, self-respect, and self-esteem. He told me that my time and attention was a gift that a boy needed to earn. And if a boy needed to earn the gift of my time, he needed to work even harder for my affection. That my body was something to be cherished and not given away. Because there could only be one first and the firsts I had to give were also gifts. And when I found the right person, he would cherish them, appreciate them, and work hard to get them.

“I know part of that talk was an effort to keep his thirteen-year-old daughter from becoming sexually active. But I never forgot what he said. I went on that date and held his hand. I went on many more after that. But I was saving my firsts. Not for the man I was going to marry, but the one who would respect me after I gave them. And, maybe in my fanciful mind, I would also cherish them. The older I got, the harder it became to find that man. Not many high school senior boys and college freshmen are happy to hold hands. Most at least want a kiss, some groping, and a handjob. But I never gave in—the minute a boy pushed and didn’t respect the boundaries I’d set for my body, I broke it off. And to be honest, they weren’t broken up about it. They wanted sex, and in their eyes, I was a tease.”

I paused to take a breath.

Now to the hard part.

“When I was taken, I was a virgin in every way I could be one. My first sexual experience was forced on me and my virginity was bought. My dad’s words echoed in my head while a middle-aged man took something from me in the vilest of ways. I have never experienced normal sex. I have given myself to one man—you, but I’ve been taken by too many to count. So I don’t know how to be with you in a normal way. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have you on top of me, or—”

“Baby,” Declan croaked, his voice infused with emotion.