Page 85 of Cash

This needed to end.

I backed away from the table enough to have a clear shot out the door.

“I don’t owe you an explanation.” It was a weak defense, but it was all I had. “Not to you or anyone.”

“Bullshit,” she spat. “Drop the act, Stella. You told that girl about us. You gave⁠—”

I knew what I’d done, what I’d given Cara. I didn’t need Nebraska pointing out I wasn’t enough.

“I gave her what I could,” I shouted, finally losing hold of the last of my temper. “I don’t know what the hell Michael and Donna were thinking leaving her to me. I don’t know the first thing about kids. I’m doing the best I can. I have no one. No family to give her. No maternal instinct. I have nothing to offer her. No moral compass. Nothing. Guilt and shame is the soundtrack of my childhood. Tell me, Nebraska, what the hell am I supposed to do with that? How am I…me…Lore…supposed to teach a little girl good lessons when I grew up with a mother who was more concerned about social status than her kids? I was kicked out of the ridiculously expensive private school my parents handpicked so I could network with the right people. Not that their friends knew I was asked to leave. As you know, money buys a lot of shit, including covering your daughter’s act of rebellion. Suddenly I’m off to Europe to finish school. Learning abroad. The only thing I was learning was how to spend money. I didn’t graduate high school. I didn’t need to—I had McKnight money. And when my father married me off, I’d have Kensington money. I was a prop. A tool. I was nothing more than a body for my father to use to teach my brother how to be an animal. I have nothing to give her. Nothing. I’m fucking clueless and terrified and now I have the Devil breathing down my neck and it’s not just me. I have this beautiful little girl I need to protect and I don’t know how.”

By the time I was done ranting I was panting.

Terror burned through me.

Each exhale felt like shards of glass were being expelled from my lungs.

“Stella—”

I held up my hand. “I know. I didn’t do right. I fucked up.”

“Stella—”

“Trust me, I don’t need you telling me what a piss poor job I’m doing.”

“Stella—”

“And—”

“Shut. Up. And. Listen to me.”

I blinked at Nebraska, shocked. “Don’t tell me to shut up.”

Her hands moved to her hips and because I, too, was female and pissed off, I mimicked her stance.

“No family to give her?” she hissed.

“Are you deaf?”

Her eyes narrowed into tiny slits. “That’s incredibly insensitive.”

“Insensitive? My father funneled money for and funded terrorist organizations. My brother has been beating the shit out of me for as far back as I can remember. I don’t have family.”

“Not that. To people with hearing loss.”

It took me a moment to understand what Nebraska was saying. I’d called her deaf and she was rightly calling me out for being an insensitive asshole.

“See? Proves my point. I have no business raising a kid when I don’t even know⁠—”

“Ohmigod, shut up!”

“If you tell me to shut up one more time, Dove, I’m gonna duct tape your mouth shut.” Shit, I forgot she was pregnant. “Very carefully, so I don’t hurt your baby.”

I watched her pinch her lips together before they twisted into a smile. Then out of nowhere she busted out laughing. I waited for what felt like minutes for her hilarity to die down. When it finally did, I was left with an unsettling feeling in my stomach. In all the years I’d known Nebraska, I’d never heard her laugh like that—carefree and happy.

“My feelings were hurt,” she quietly admitted. “We’ve known each other a long time. We both lead lives that required secrets. But I always knew if I needed you, you’d be there. You were the only real friend I had, the only person who truly understood. When you bailed, I wasn’t worried. That was pure Lore. I knew you’d contact me. But weeks turned into months and you didn’t call. No texts. No cryptic emails about how much fun you were having. And that’s when I started to worry. Years, Stella, years and years and years we’ve known each other and you’ve never gone that long without giving me your new contact info. Then I learned about Cara, and that hurt worse than you falling off the face of the earth.”

I didn’t know what to say. Pressure banded around my chest, until I felt lightheaded.