Page 61 of Pining for You

“I just… I want… I love, I have…,” Cash sputters, and Johnna puts a giant hand over Cash’s to calm him down. “… so many questions.”

“Come down to Bushwick for a coffee and we’ll talk all about your hopes and your dreams.” Johnna hands him a business card.

Cash stares at the piece of cardstock like it has the power to alter the course of his whole life. It may not be “romantic,” but the way Johnna sees Cash and is reaching out to let him know—maybe this is what she meant earlier. My own heart grows three sizes.

“Well, with the roadblocks for the snow and the one-way streets, this is as close as we can get you. The bakery is about three blocks from here, straight down,” Gus points and explains as we pull up to the curb.

“Godspeed, new romantics,” Johnna says. “Cash, I’ll be awaiting your call.”

Cash nods so hard, I worry his head is going to roll off, and we all thank Johnna and Gus profusely.

“Audra, I’ll see you soon.”

“Johnna, you’re truly a queen.”

“I’m aware,” she says with a grin.

I don’t want to say goodbye to these incredible humans, but they have to get on to their gig. As soon as we hit the sidewalk, I start spinning up a vision of a new tradition—a group trip to a Kickers show—when Johnna calls out to me.

“And, Bennie, I can’t wait to hear the next chapter of your story!” she says, looking at me with those kind, dramatic eyes. “But don’t forget, no matter how it shakes out, it is not even close to the end.”

18

It’s hard to believe that just this morning I had never even heard of Panadería Amado. Now I’m approaching it for the second time. So much has happened since I first laid eyes on the neon sign above the door. I’ve survived a Brooklyn flea market maze, come out of a subway rat attack unscathed, and taken a private ride with some polka-loving drag queens. All of it, totally new and unexpected, and although I wouldn’t have scripted any of those experiences, Johnna’s right—now I have stories. I’m not sure yet how they’ll play out with my Statement of Purpose, but I’ve already got about a dozen scripts percolating in my mind. Maybe even some other documentaries, too.

Thanks to Johnna’s encouragement, and the fact that we’ve already lived through so much in a single day, I’m not as stressed as I was this morning about what to say to Eve if we meet her.

No, when we meet her. I’m going to hold on to my optimism in the face of doubt and adversity, as long as possible!

At least, that’s what I tell myself, until we’re close enough to see the shop’s front door.

Izaac squints at it, and by the way he turns and looks at me, it’s obvious—my shiny, renewed faith is about to be tested.

“Oh, B.” He puts a hand on my shoulder as I get a look. Earlier, we were able to see inside, where there was commotion and light and life. Now, the place is dark and the only thing I can see when I look in the windows is our reflection.

And there, on the door, is another godforsaken sign.

“They closed early for the storm.” Izaac cuts to the chase before I can read it for myself.

And there it goes—my snack cake of a heart, smashed to bits, just a pile of crumbs and smeared frosting now.

This time, Cash doesn’t stomp or shout or declare. Diya and Audra are silent too. They all just stand uneasily, pulling their coats closer around themselves and shielding their eyes from thickening clusters of flakes.

I blink hard against the tears, but what reason do I have to cry? I don’t even know this girl. I curse myself for once again getting attached to an idea, to a vision that was totally in my head. Setting myself up for disappointment, always.

The camera is heavy at the end of my arm. I don’t bother to try to capture anything. I don’t want this part of the adventure immortalized on film—this moment is a strike against Christmas magic.

My friends are all watching me like I might decompensate, so I muster what’s left of my positive energy and stuff down the tears.

“You guys! Brighten up! It’s not like there was some guarantee we’d find her. Seriously. I mean, yesterday I didn’t even know she existed! We did our best,” I announce like I’m talking to a team huddle. “We had an adventure, just like you said.” I pause, trying to gather the strength to believe what I’m about to say. “Let’s get out of here before things get really bad. Getting home safe after all this—that is our happy ending.”

The snow is really starting to come. Audra has laid her head on Izaac’s shoulder with a resigned, sad but true face. Diya sighs. And when Cash, our golden boy with the goldfish memory, doesn’t make a case to stay, I know it’s really over.

“Maybe we’ll still have time to watch some of our movies?” Diya says gently.

Just yesterday, that’s all I wanted to hear. Now, I give Diya a smile, but even though I love my friends and I know we’ll have fun, I’ll have to convince myself it’s not a consolation prize.

“I’ll check train times,” Izaac says finally.