Page 94 of Pining for You

But I am mad. And with Diya, Cash, and Izaac all grinning and bouncing around me like we’re on our way to the Radio City Christmas Spectacular, that anger settles on them. They don’t know about Eve planning to move to Connecticut yet, because I haven’t had a chance to tell them, but even without that detail, it’s not like we could have dated realistically anyway. Even if I do get everything sorted out for post-graduation, my plan to move to Brooklyn is still months away, plenty of time for her to forget about me or find someone else. The whole thing has been a recipe for heartbreak from the start.

“Well?” Cash says.

“Well,” I say, throwing my hands up and ripping off the Band-Aid. “We kissed.”

Cash and Diya high-five, and Izaac reaches back to put a congratulatory palm on my knee. But then the smile fades from Diya’s face.

“Wait, then why do you look like someone just spit in your hot chocolate?” she asks.

Cash gasps. “Oh no, was it really bad? Weird lips? That’s the worst.”

“What?” I glare at him, then I shake my head. “No, it was not bad. Her lips are perfect. It was amazing. Like, fireworks and rainbows and glitter cannons amazing.”

Cash looks at me, confused, so I get to the punch line.

“And then, about ten seconds later she basically said she never wanted to see me again. So.”

“What?” Diya says, whipping her head around, trying to keep up with a major twist.

“Wait,” Izaac says. “So you made out, and she was like, Hey, that was great, see you never?”

I shrug and there’s a beat, like they’re trying to make sense of this, and I almost think we can just leave it there. But then they all erupt with questions.

“Do you think she just has a lot on her mind with her brother and everything?” Diya asks.

“Or, like, college applications?” Izaac adds.

“Doesn’t she know that you’re obviously meant to be? Did you tell her about the birthmark and the cookies and—” Cash stutters out. “I mean, you guys were living a rom-com!”

He’s trying to lighten the mood, but I am a storm cloud ready to burst. Suddenly I can’t stop myself from dumping dirty, slushy snow all over his big glittery Christmas parade.

“Cash, this isn’t a movie, it’s my life,” I shoot at him.

My voice doesn’t even sound like my own. I cross my arms to form a barrier, but I’m not sure if it’s to keep my friends out or my feelings in. One thing is definitely escaping, though—every ounce of my optimism.

I look out the window so I don’t have to see how I’ve hurt Cash, but Izaac isn’t about to let me get away that easily.

“Wow, B. Harsh,” he says, his voice ice-cold.

If I was humiliated before, now I’m on fire with it, but it’s tangled up with other feelings—frustration, pain, fear. It’s the same feeling as every time something is happening with Michelle, like it’s out of my control but also somehow my fault. And right now, I use it all to defend myself.

“Did you consider how harsh it would be to throw me to the wolves like that?”

“We wanted to help you get your dream, B. You’ve been talking about having a holiday first kiss for, like, years,” Izaac says, incredulous.

“You think my dream was to have my heart smashed? You guys forced Fate, instead of letting whatever was meant to be happen naturally.” I’m quoting Eve now, but they don’t need to know that. She was right. “It was just, here we go! Let’s go watch Bosley get humiliated. That’ll be a good way to spend our last holiday season all together!”

“Whoa, are you trying to say you weren’t into this trip?” Diya asks. “ ’Cause that’s some revisionist history.”

“I’m saying you guys don’t seem like you care about our history at all. Or you would have made time for our traditions this year. My actual dream was to have us all together for one last full holiday season, which I’ve been trying to arrange for weeks. I went yesterday because it was the only thing I saw anyone get excited about this whole time.”

“B, it’s not that we don’t care about being together,” Izaac says. “It’s just that there’s been a lot going on.”

Right, I think, shaking my head. Just like my mom. If everyone in my life had just stuck to tradition, yesterday would have started with Pag’s and ended with a movie marathon, which would have taken place around a tree that my mother and sister and I picked out and decorated together. And maybe I wouldn’t have had my first kiss, but I also wouldn’t be totally humiliated and heartbroken. This is why traditions matter. Because when you go rogue on ritual, you wind up with disaster. And I am so angry with everyone around me for forgetting.

“Yeah, B, we’ve been doing our best,” Diya says.

“And also, some of those traditions don’t always turn out so great,” Cash says. “Every year, someone ends up sick when we go reverse caroling.”