Page 95 of Pining for You

“Yeah, remember last year, when you got pneumonia?” Diya adds.

“It was just a cold!” I say, even though I was in bed for a week. “And anyway, that doesn’t mean you abandon everything we’ve built just because things aren’t always perfect.”

“B, no one is abandoning anything,” Cash responds, frustrated. “We all love those memories.”

“Yeah,” Izaac adds. “It’s just that… we’re getting ready for the new stuff coming next year. And we can still make holiday memories without doing exactly what we’ve always done.”

“Totally! I mean, we already have such great stuff to add for next year,” Diya says. “Like miso hot cocoa.”

“It wasn’t that good.” I grumble out the lie.

Izaac ignores me and continues.

“Or Friendsgiving at Audra’s—”

“Audra,” I interrupt him. “Audra should be with us right now! I tried to convince her to come home.”

“You did?” Diya asks, surprised.

“Bennie, why would you do that?” Izaac asks.

“So you could have your family together on Christmas, the way it’s supposed to be!”

Everyone goes silent for a beat. Maybe I’ve managed to shut down this conversation. But their silence feels loaded, secretive, and I must be missing something.

“Bennie,” Izaac starts. “I know it’s hard with Naomi gone all the time and not having Michelle around for Christmas, but my situation is different. I don’t think you’ve been hearing me. Of course I wish things were not how they are, but all that her coming would do is add even more tension and ruin her Christmas too.”

I shake my head, incredulous.

“But you wanted to find her…,” I stammer. “I thought… Yesterday you said you needed her help.”

“Yeah, I did. Because I needed to talk to her about some things. And we did get to have that conversation,” he says. “Absolutely none of it was about getting her to come home, though.”

“Well, that would have been useful information,” I say. “But I guess you’re just not big on sharing these days.”

“What does that mean?” he asks.

“Tuesday, you made me promise not to tell Cash about your family stuff,” I say. “Meanwhile, you’re totally neglecting the fact that he’s a stress ball consumed by his phone, probably because he is legit worried about your future together.”

“Wait, what?” Cash says, then looks at Izaac and shrugs. “Fake news! I don’t know what she means.”

“B, I didn’t want you to worry Cash because he’s in the middle of his own shit,” Izaac says impatiently. “Not because I am breaking up with him or trying to keep secrets or something.”

“We are so solid,” Cash says, holding Izaac’s hand.

“More than ever.”

“Okay…,” I say, even more confused. “But what about our conversation at Grand Central?”

“What Delores said?” he asks. “I was just telling you because it was funny, and also totally ridiculous.”

“Okay, but you guys not doing gifts this year, and… and what about your birthday?” I ask, because I know that’s weird.

“B,” Izaac says, “I suggested we skip gifts for the same reason we haven’t started on birthday planning.”

Cash runs a hand through his hair and takes a breath.

“Well, the part you did get right is that I have been stressed,” he says. “There’s something I haven’t had a chance to tell you yet. Not because I was trying to keep it from you, but because I wasn’t going to say anything until I knew for sure. And now I do.”