Page 96 of Pining for You

“What is it?”

“I’m leaving sooner than expected.”

“What… what does that even mean?” I ask.

“Well, Aunt Bev can’t stick around until graduation. She’s had some issues with insurance, and her arthritis has gotten worse. She’s got to get more help, so she needs to move to Florida to live with her sister. She asked me to come with her, but… for about a dozen reasons, including that it doesn’t make a lot of sense to move to Florida for a few months, I’ve decided not to go.” He takes a breath and I try to process. “So, after my birthday, once I turn eighteen, I’ll be on my own. And rather than trying to find an apartment in Ripton that I probably can’t afford anyway for the last few months of school, I’m going to withdraw from RHS and move to Brooklyn early.”

“That’s why he’s been on his phone a lot lately,” Izaac says. “He’s trying to coordinate all of it. And it’s what I meant when I said talking to Audra would be helpful. Not to try to convince her to come home, but to ask her for advice about Cash’s move, and see if there was anything she could do to help.”

“I applied for a job at this café that Bev’s old friend owns, and I was waiting to see if I got approved for a room to rent nearby. I was hoping to hear before the holiday so I wouldn’t be left hanging while the world shuts down for two weeks. Because as you have observed, the whole thing makes me a little anxious…”

“I… I…” I am completely stunned, but my brain goes into fix-it mode, because this has to be the worst solution possible. “Cash, no way. You can live with Naomi and me. You can have Michelle’s room!”

He shakes his head. “I love you, B, and I appreciate that. But I’m ready to go,” he says. “Ripton never really felt like home to me. I mean, you guys are my home, but you’ll be in New York next year too. It’s just a little time apart.”

I look at Izaac and Diya for support, but they’re silent. “Guys? How can you be okay with this?”

“I mean, I don’t love it,” Izaac says. “You think I haven’t come up with a thousand other plans, including the one you just said? But it’s not what Cash wants. Audra is going to watch out for him, and I’ll visit plenty. I’ll be happy to get out of Dodge anyway.”

An incredulous look takes up residence on my face. I don’t know what to say, so I look at Diya, who is still silent. “And… you knew about this?”

She nods.

“And do they know your plans?”

Diya hesitates. Have I blown up her spot too? But then she says, “Yes. But I only told them last night, while you were with Eve.”

“Before Wade’s…,” I say. “Cool. So that means I was the last one to know about literally everything.”

There’s a silence before Izaac responds. “B, you’ve had a lot on your plate too. And honestly, you haven’t exactly been welcoming of conversation about anything that had to do with the future.”

I shake my head and focus on what’s happening outside the window. And fine, there’s some truth to that, but it’s because I wanted us to be in the moment, together. “So instead, you guys insisted we take this trip to chase this girl, which was, like, destined to be a disaster,” I say. “As what? A way to force me to move on from all my silly little dreams?”

“Bennie, look at me,” Cash says quietly. But I can’t. “No one is denying that what happened with Eve was a huge bummer.”

“Understatement of the century,” I mumble.

“But, B, you have to try new things sometimes,” Izaac says. “Even if there’s a risk they won’t pan out like you script them. It can’t all be repeating the past, or inventing alternate realities. We don’t want you to move on from your dreams; we want you to actually chase them. For real.”

“But I don’t understand why everything has to be different all at once, and right now. And why is it everyone else’s choice that matters but mine? Even my mom is pushing me to spend Christmas visiting my sister upstate without asking how I feel about it.”

“Bennie, we didn’t know,” Cash says after a pause.

“No, because I didn’t want to tell you! Because I just wanted our last high school holiday at home to be uncomplicated and happy and memorable—and traditional! But, ya know, I’m glad you’re all thrilled about the big changes, and your big, exciting futures. I don’t have my own to think about, because while you guys were busy planning yours, I’ve been wasting my time trying to make the present special.” I pause to breathe and shake my head, fighting those tears again, then continue. “I guess I just didn’t want to lose my best friends. I didn’t realize I already have.”

After that, no one says another word.

We sit in silence for the rest of the ride back, with not even a Christmas song or the radio to break up the misery. As we exit the Merritt Parkway and head for Ripton, my thoughts shift from what just happened to what is about to happen.

I haven’t read any of Naomi’s recent texts. There are more since last night, but I couldn’t handle unpacking that compartment. And now I’m going to have to.

On top of it, I have to get my head in the game for work, and the biggest day of the year. All this plus applications, the future with a capital F.

I’m heading home to a complete disaster, just in time for Christmas. And now I’m almost angrier at everyone because they’re delivering me to this situation.

I look down at my camera, still in my lap somehow. It’s the only thing I have now that makes me feel like the same person I was twenty-four hours ago. Although, maybe I’m not the same person anymore. I haven’t been able to hold on to my optimism, my positivity, my Christmas spirit. Honestly, I’m not sure I believe in much of anything right now.

When we pull into my condo complex (Izaac is dropping me first, probably to get rid of me as fast as possible), it feels so weird, like I’m arriving here for the first time. It’s hard to make myself believe that forty-eight hours ago, Eve, Carlos, Tía, and Hugo didn’t even exist in my wildest daydreams. But it’s obvious from the miserable silence that the events of the morning have been very real.