Page 33 of My Own Kind of Person

“Straight.”

“But you kissed Lauren.”

“For fun.”

“Maybe you’re bi or pan.”

“I’ve thought about it. I’m straight.”

She steps up onto the wood border of the sandbox and walks balanced along it.

“You know yourself best,” I say. I hop onto the border and follow her. “But if I kissed a guy one time why would that mean I’m gay? What if that was just for fun, or just to see?”

“It’s different for guys.”

I talk to the back of her head. “Is it?”

“Women are beautiful.”

“And men?”

“Are disgusting.”

“I don’t disagree, but—”

I slip on a broken piece of wood and stumble off. Arguing about boys kissing boys is probably not the best way to get a girl to kiss you. I hop back onto the border and say, “Like, is sexuality really different for guys or does everyone just think it is because everyone says it is?”

Christy stands on one foot with the other leg stretched out to the side. “I don’t know, but I wouldn’t want to date a guy who’s kissed guys.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not masculine.”

I laugh. “It’s the most masculine thing there is! Masculine means being like a guy, so how can there be anything a guy does that isn’t masculine?”

“Ha!” she says, and starts walking away.

“I just mean the words don’t really make sense when you think about them.”

She keeps walking.

I keep talking. “And guys especially aren’t supposed to want to talk about it. We’re not supposed to want to talk about anything.”

“You can talk about whatever you want.”

“As long as I don’t cry about it.”

“You can cry.” She tilts her head, considering. “Just don’t cry more than me!”

I immediately open the English homework and write out the conversation while Christy heads down the steep hill where we used to go sledding at recess. I didn’t own snow pants, so I’d always spend the rest of the day in wet jeans.

Christy shouts from the darkness at the bottom of the hill, “What is wrong with you?”

“Me?” I shout back. “Among other things! I’m too! Nervous! To have! Sex!”

“Intercourse,” she corrects at regular volume when I make it down to her.

“True.”