Page 4 of My Own Kind of Person

He salutes me.

My stomach churns as I walk to the bar.

Bobby Bingo takes out his phone. The other two comics are in their twenties and have perfectly shaped beards. Their jokes are usually about how there are so many things they can’t joke about.

“Yo,” one says, “I admire the swag.”

I’m wearing a white button-down, pink necktie, and jeans. “Thank you.”

“You look like a kid trying to dress up like a man,” the other says.

“Ha. That’s true.”

“Your jokes are a little like Joe Johnson’s,” the first says.

I’ve been a fan of Joe Johnson’s since I was twelve years old and I saw his first one-hour special, Awkward White Boy. It was recorded in his bedroom for an audience of stuffed animals. It gave the blueprint for self-effacing humor, for getting people to laugh with instead of at you. Whenever asked about his philosophy of comedy, Joe Johnson says his only goal is to make people laugh. Not think, not cry—laugh. I’ve taken that as my guiding principle. Most inspiring of all, he’s from here, Long Island. Closer to the city, but still.

“I do like Joe Johnson.”

“Funny set though,” the first guy continues. “It was like gay without being gay, you know?”

I do not.

The other guy points his chin at the first. “Like how you’re straight without being straight?”

“Shut up.”

“And don’t make assumptions. This kid could be gay.”

They both look at me.

I shrug. “I’m straight but maybe I’ll be gay one day, if I work hard enough.”

That’s the kind of sentence I find funny, but I appear to be alone in that feeling.

“Christ,” the first guy says. “Is that what they’re teaching in school these days?”

The second finishes his beer. “If by some freak accident I have a kid, I’m homeschooling.”

Bobby Bingo puts his phone down and I jump over to him.

“Bobby! Or do you prefer Mr. Bingo?”

“Mr. O’Brien. The talk of the town.”

“Is that true?”

He takes a sip of his seltzer. “How many open mics have you done now?”

“Five.” I hold up five fingers for some reason. “Cool eagle shirt.”

“Thanks.”

“You think the fire hat belongs to the eagle, or do you think the eagle took it from a human firefighter?”

“I’ve never thought about it.”

“Maybe that eagle fights eagle fires.”