Page 60 of My Own Kind of Person

“Not by watching gay porn.”

“Then how do they do it?”

“They don’t.”

I’m itchy all over. The humidity is too high and my skin is too dry.

“It seems like something worth thinking about,” I say. “I know I liked doing stuff with Christy. It was terrifying sometimes, but all of life is terrifying. From what I understand, a guy who’s gay wouldn’t like doing stuff with a girl. But did I only like it because that’s what the world told me to like? How am I supposed to know what I actually like?”

He spreads his hands in front of us as though we’re looking at all the facts laid out on a table. “The internet says everything is a spectrum.”

“Right.”

He holds up a finger. “But not for cis men.”

I motion at the invisible table. “Where does it say that?”

“Bro. It’s cool if you’re gay.”

“It is! It would be. It might be.”

“A guy at my job is gay.”

“I don’t see the relevance.”

“I’m an idiot but I’m not a jerk.”

I lean back against the tree. “I don’t think I’m gay. I don’t think so. Wouldn’t I know?”

He leans back too. “That’s a good question.”

“Would you know?” I ask.

“I would know.”

“There are so many things I don’t know. Why would this be any different?”

“I think it’s different,” he says.

“How do you know you’re straight?”

“Because I know.”

“Because everyone is assumed straight until proven otherwise?”

“I have never thought otherwise.”

“But what if nothing were assumed and you were allowed to determine for yourself?”

Tony opens the gummy worms, carefully removes a single worm, and places it in his mouth. “I will do some research.”

“Do you want me to send you the video?”

He looks me in the eyes and says, solemnly, “Yes.”

“Because I can’t imagine anyone not liking this video,” I say. “And I don’t even know if it’s the guys’ gender that mattered. It could have been, like, the general vibe.”

“This pornographic short film will serve as our control group! That’s science.”