Page 63 of My Own Kind of Person

“Honestly? Yes.”

“That’s sweet.” They say it like they mean it. “You should watch those videos I sent you.”

“I forgot about those.” I immediately search for them.

“You don’t have to watch Sexuality Is a Liquid because you already have your gas theory. The basic idea of the other one, Gender Is a Social Construct, is that some things have meaning because people have decided to give them that meaning, as opposed to being objectively that way. If we’d been born a thousand years in the past or future, or in an entirely different place, we’d have a different understanding of many things, including gender and sexuality.”

The video appears to be narrated by an amorphous blob with a cowboy hat.

I put the phone away. “Tony says everything is a spectrum but not for cis men.”

“Tony also says the world isn’t flat or round.”

“That Disney cruise really changed him.”

Andi doesn’t laugh. “My point is that just because Tony doesn’t understand you doesn’t mean you’re wrong.”

“You don’t have to say something just to be nice,” I mumble.

“I never say things just to be nice.”

I feel ashamed…for feeling ashamed?

I draw the outline of Esposito’s new pear rising up behind the old one like a ghost. “I think I can turn almost any situation into a way to feel bad.”

Andi doesn’t reply.

A hollowed-out feeling overtakes me like my insides are scraped out and empty, and I blink in surprise at the speed of it. “So what about you? What parts of the infinite cloud are you attracted to?”

Andi doesn’t add the new pear but only darkens the rotten spots on the one Esposito removed. “I don’t think about such things.”

“Are you asexual?”

“No, although it is ridiculous that we assume everyone feels sexual attraction. I’m bi or pan, I guess. I just say I’m queer.”

“I like that. Maybe that’s what I am. Though I feel like I’ve never actually seen an example of a bi or pan guy.”

“First of all, if that’s true, then you’re watching the wrong things.” Andi makes a frustrated sound. “But also, think of any book or movie. Who’s to say who isn’t queer? Does every character in a seemingly straight romance announce at some point that they’re strictly straight? For that matter, do people in seemingly gay romances proclaim they’re gay?”

“Good point.” I put my hand on the table beside Andi’s. “Thank you, friend. I was feeling alone about this and honestly losing my mind a little before talking to you. Now I feel…”

They smile. “Gay?”

I laugh but I also feel a little like we missed an opportunity. I fear this conversation was like a stand-up joke. So close to the emotional truth, but at the end—a punchline.

Ms. Esposito places a closed sketchbook beside Andi and says, “I don’t know what to tell you. Every mark is expertly placed. These drawings don’t even look like photos. They look real.”

Andi puts the sketchbook in their backpack. “Thanks.”

“When do you have to submit?” Esposito says.

“I don’t know.”

Esposito looks at me and then at Andi. “I’ll talk to you about it tomorrow.”

When Esposito leaves, I casually arrange my pencils and eraser on the table and let out an even more casual sigh. “Talk to you about what?”

Andi takes out their Discman. “Nothing.”