Page 69 of My Own Kind of Person

Christy and I haven’t spoken since we broke up. Maybe I’ll never see her again, like we’re in a Witness Protection Program but she is the witness and I need to be protected from her.

“I didn’t invite her, but should I have?”

Andi gasps. “Is it the person who made you dislike men?”

“You’ve heard of this guy?” Tony asks.

“Now he’s made me stop disliking men,” I say.

Tony steps onto the stage. “Then I consider this gentleman a patriot and I welcome him with open arms!”

Andi gasps again. “Wait! Is this—”

Elijah stops in the entryway. “Is this the right time?”

Tony hops off the stage and runs up with his arms held straight out to the sides. “Would you like to bring it in?”

“Elijah, this is Tony,” I say. “Tony, Elijah.”

“You’re asking if we can hug?” Elijah says. “We can hug.”

Tony wraps his arms around him in one quick grab-and-release. Elijah stumbles toward Andi, holding up a hand to say hi.

Andi stands and adjusts their beanie. “I’m Andi.”

“I love your shirt,” he says.

I’ve never seen Andi look more uncomfortable.

Elijah turns to me and I am suddenly aware of Tony’s and Andi’s eyes.

“Hello.” I wave from the stage.

Elijah laughs. “Hello.”

There’s a long silence, during which I hear Mrs. Z loudly asking her phone, “Siri, what is the best dog food for hungry dogs?”

I take the microphone. “Let’s get started! Thank you for being here. Truthfully, I’m not in the comedy headspace right now, but I want to make Tony happy, so I’m going to read aloud THE GREATEST HITS and—”

“You gotta perform it!” Tony shouts as he takes a seat.

Elijah sits next to Tony. Andi doesn’t move closer.

“It feels false to put on a show in front of three people,” I say.

“Then don’t put on a show,” Andi says.

“Put on a show!” Tony shouts.

Elijah leans over and quietly asks Tony, “You’re his manager?”

Tony looks startled. “Yes.”

“May I make a suggestion to him?”

This startles him more. “Sure.”

Elijah looks at me. “Mazzei says to memorize only the bullet points, and then speak from the heart. That’s what you did in the auditorium, right?”