Page 76 of My Own Kind of Person

“I’m not gay.”

“Oh.”

“I’m queer. I’m bi.”

“Oh!”

Headlights flash across the living room as Elijah pulls into the driveway.

Mom turns to me with the biggest smile. “Can I meet him?”

I try to maintain a steady voice when I say, “How about tomorrow night at the show?”

I pretend not to see how her face sinks. I give her a kiss on the cheek and pretend not to notice that she doesn’t kiss me back. When I walk out the door, I tell myself not to turn around. But I can’t help it. I stop in the middle of the lawn and watch through the screen door as she kicks off her boots and disappears into her bedroom.

Chapter 24

The streets are empty as Elijah and I speed under green lights past strip malls. Neither of us had any idea where to go, so we’re driving east without a destination. The seats vibrate with thumping bass. His car contains no mystery smells and moves so smoothly I feel like it’s from the future.

I run my hand along the door handle. The leather is stitched with red thread. “So, you like the new school?”

It’s as if now that we’re officially dating I can only do small talk.

His voice is stilted too. “You’ve been here your whole life?”

“Sort of. I started in Paumanok but left before first grade. We were real excited when we found a house back in this district last year.”

“You and your mom?”

“Yeah,” I say. “We moved a bunch.” I can feel all my memories stacked up inside me like physical objects. I imagine showing each one to Elijah and asking him, Do you understand?

Streetlights flash across his face. He puts on his blinker to get on the highway. “Why did you want to get back to this school so badly?”

“I don’t know,” I say, and I really don’t. It was just never a question. “I think we were wishing we could get back to the life we had when I was little, and we settled for at least the same school district. I always knew money was tough, but way back then, my mom used to lie next to me in bed and we’d chat as I went to sleep. She’d say, Everything’s going to be okay, over and over as I drifted off. Like a prayer.”

Elijah makes a sound. “I’d love to meet your mom.”

“Yeah?” My voice shakes and I tell myself not to worry about her. “She’s gonna be at Captain’s tomorrow. You can meet her there.”

“I look forward to it.”

I watch the side of the highway rush by while the moon above remains still. “Why did you move here?” I imagine him and his mom having dinner together, saying good night to each other, saying good morning.

“Why did I follow my mom to a school with like five Black kids?” He scratches hard behind his ear, then changes the subject. “We never actually decided where I’m driving. Should I get off and turn back toward your house?” He pulls into the right lane.

“Let’s keep going,” I say.

“Yeah?”

The map shows us driving into the unknown.

“So what happened with you and Christy?” he asks.

“That’s what I’m considering talking about at the show tomorrow. It’s the thing Jay was making fun of me for. Trying to have sex. Because Christy and I both felt like she had to stay still while I went into her. But that’s not required. I could’ve been the one who stayed still while she got all the parts in the right place. You know? Or we both could’ve moved.”

“That’s true.”

“I felt so scared taking the lead. Wouldn’t it be nice if it were the norm for whoever feels like it, regardless of gender, to make the move?”