Page 23 of Kicking Up Dust

She blinks, her head jerking back. I grin at her with dimples on full force to hide the panic in my stomach at how she obviously doesn’t feel the same way I do.

“We don’t have to be together just because we’re having a kid.”

“You’re right,” I tell her, finally standing and pressing a kiss to her forehead. “We don’t gotta be, but I wanna be. Ball’s in your court with that I suppose.”

I change the topic before she can start arguing again, heading into the bathroom to wash my hands in the sink. I should’ve done that before touching her pretty body.

“In the meantime, if you’re not too stuck on California, I’d like it if you came home with me to Montana. There’s lots of land and, if I can talk my brother into it, we’ll even have a cabin of our own.”

“Whoa, cowboy. You’re being… You should really think about this for a bit.”

I realize I’m not gonna get anywhere with her if she thinks I’m acting impulsively, so I nod, drying my hands on a spare towel in the bathroom.

“Alright. Two weeks for both of us to think, how’s that sound?”

In reality, I don’t even need a week. I don’t know shit about pregnancy, but I know I’ve already missed a pretty good chunk of hers, which pisses me off a bit, but bygones and all that, I suppose.

“Two weeks,” she agrees.

I’ll let her think she won.

THIRTEEN

COLT

I follow Blair to the gas station the next morning and fill the tank of her rental car. It’s been a long-ass night and I didn’t sleep a wink, but I’m used to that by now. At least the things keeping me awake this time were exciting rather than depressing.

When it comes time for me to get on I-35, I damn near want to change my entire trip to follow her for as long as I can, but I think she needs space to think without me hovering. I had to practically beg her to text me tonight when she gets to Memphis, where she’s staying with one of the girls from that night at the rodeo, so following her might be her last straw.

Doesn’t make it any easier not to, though.

God, is this what Maddox feels like all of the time? Constantly anxious something bad’s gonna happen? I’ve spent the past few years chasing the high of adrenaline and now I’m cruising down the interstate in the slow lane and abiding by the speed limit for once. I feel like a cigarette would make this better, but I’m quitting that shit cold turkey.

It’s a twenty-hour drive to Cedar Creek from Fort Worth, so I have to split it in half by stopping in Nebraska. I’ve made the trip often enough that I have a preferred motel to spend the night in and a diner I like to get my supper from.

Bookstores aren’t really places I tend to frequent though, so it takes a Google search to find the closest one that’s open. I don’t know exactly what I need, so I just grab a bunch of different titles that sound like they might help, including one that literally includes For Dummies in the title and another claiming it’s a handbook for first-time dads. I’m both, so I figure they’ll probably be helpful purchases.

I almost call Bailey when I get back to the hotel room, but I think her impending auntie-dom is something best explained in person, so I read pregnancy books until my eyes feel gritty and tired, and then fall asleep.

The next day is filled with anxiety the whole way home. I know I want to tell Maddox first. I need to. He’ll know exactly what to do, I think. He always knows what to do. He’s the oldest, after all.

Plus, I need to make sure there’s space for me and Blair to come live at the ranch. And that we’d be welcome in the first place. And that he can employ me. Money isn’t really an issue, thanks to me saving most of my winnings and stuff, but I’d need to contribute to the ranch if I wanted to live there, and I definitely do.

I keep thinking back to the picture in my mind of Blair and me at the bonfire, of our… fuck, our daughter running around chasing fireflies.

I can’t believe I’m going to have a daughter.

By the grace of a god I don’t believe in anymore, I manage to make it onto the ranch and back to Maddie’s cabin without Mama waving me down. He looks scared as fuck when he opens the door and sees me there, and it takes a second, but it’s like all of the fear and anxiety that’s been on my shoulders is suddenly lifted.

My big brother’s here. The one who fixes everything, who makes everything okay. We might not always see eye to eye—actually, we rarely do—but he’s here and I know he’ll help me.

“I’m gonna be a dad, Maddie,” I tell him, thinking he’ll be stoked. Here was the thing he wanted all along: something to kick me in the ass and make me grow up. But the fear doesn’t melt from his face, it only morphs now that it has an actual target. I grow nervous again. Maybe it’s not okay? “Maddie?”

“Does Mama know?” he asks, clearing his throat.

I smile at the thought of telling her. She’s going to be over the moon.

“No, I’ll tell her next. I just… Can I come home?”