Page 10 of A Sugary Life

Shay sat on the end of the bed. He absentmindedly grabbed the closest pillow and hugged it against his chest. His gaze never left Pytor.

Pytor kept going without encouragement. “When I found Phoenix with his wrists cut and not breathing, I felt a rage I haven’t in years. Standing this close to evil every day always leaves you one bad day away from snapping.”

Pytor had found Phoenix? Shay was so confused. Pytor swiped a shaky hand across his eyes, and Shay couldn’t even blink. His gaze wouldn’t waver from the giant who never showed weakness. He needed to know everything. Pytor didn’t let him down.

“If I hadn’t caught sight of something bright yellow as I patrolled past the garden, I wouldn’t have found him, and he wouldn’t have made it, but I was so fucking furious. The helpless rage was like nothing I had felt in a long time. I thought he was thriving. I thought you were thriving. You two were the ones I worried about the least. The way you two leaned on each other reminded me so much of Yaro and me. I just knew in my soul you two would be okay. Then I found out that wasn’t the case at all. I learned Phoenix was in love with you and you didn’t want him. I saw all the years he had believed in you shattered, and it broke me. So I’m the one who told him to walk away. I’m the one who told him to follow his dream and let you go before the next attempt succeeded. He had turned down the scholarship Zander offered to attend the Culinary Institute of America because it’s in New York and he couldn’t leave you. I forced him to go. Still, he dug his heels in and refused until I swore no one would ever tell you what he had done. He knew how you would react. I agreed. All of this is on me. When he came back and I saw you two together again, I remembered all the reasons I believed so much in you two. I could see him playing in the kitchen, bothering all the staff and trying to learn everything. You stood guard through every second, eyeing every adult with suspicion and warning them with your eyes. I see that in you still, and it breaks my heart to know you two have spent these last five years apart. If you want to hate me now, I understand, but you both needed to heal, and you weren’t doing it by hanging on to each other.”

Shay couldn’t see past the shock. He had thought Phoenix had simply run. Not once had it occurred to him that he had been pushed to save himself. Not one time had he even considered the remote possibility that he tried to take his own life and got sent away to save him… from Shay. There were no words. His mind simply abandoned him—like it couldn’t get away fast enough.

Another soft knock cut through the air, and still Shay couldn’t do anything except stare at nothing.

Pytor stood and answered.

Phoenix stepped inside the room, and Pytor stepped out, closing them inside together alone.

Shay focused on Phoenix.

Phoenix’s eyes were bloodshot. He held Shay’s shirt. “I brought you your shirt. It’s a little wet. Sorry about that. I might’ve cried on it a little.”

Shay’s gaze dropped to the shirt. The material did look surprisingly wet. “It’s okay.” Was that his voice? He sounded as if he had gargled asphalt.

Phoenix put the shirt on the table, then clasped his hands like he had to hold something. The move shifted something in Shay. Phoenix had tells and Shay knew every damn one. He knew Phoenix better than everyone else on the planet. Until that moment, Shay hadn’t realized exactly how deeply he had failed Phoenix. He should have known Phoenix didn’t have the courage to simply walk away. Shay should have looked deeper back then. He had been so hurt that he couldn’t look past the pain of being abandoned. All that shit had disappeared the moment Phoenix had returned. He had seen him coming back as forgiveness—like they’d fought and Phoenix was finally over it. That was how unnatural it was for them to be apart. Things had always been so much worse, and now Shay didn’t know how he fit. He wasn’t the rock anymore. Shay realized he had never been. He had simply been the anchor holding Phoenix in place, slowly drowning him while Shay used him as a crutch. Now he was lost without his lifeline.

Phoenix shifted from foot to foot, making Shay realize how long they had stared at each other in silence.

“What now?”

At Shay’s question, Phoenix shifted uncomfortably again. He looked scared. His chest expanded on a breath. “I knew you’d be here when I took this job.”

Shay nodded. That made sense. If Pytor had sent him away, then of course he would warn him about Shay.

Phoenix’s shoulders squared. His expression turned determined. “I—” Phoenix swallowed. “You know what? Fuck this.” He crossed the room, snatched the pillow from Shay, threw it, and then straddled Shay. “You’re mine, and if you don’t start acting like it, I will make your life absolute hell for the rest of my days. I’m sick of you holding back. I was sick of it long before I left, and nothing has changed. If you love me—”

Shay flipped Phoenix onto the bed and came down on top of him, cutting Phoenix’s lecture short. He still had no words, but his heart had a lot to say. It was long overdue for him to let that organ speak. He kissed Phoenix and then he didn’t stop. Phoenix was right. Shay belonged to him. Everything else could wait. Phoenix owned him, and Shay needed to prove he was worth this second chance. He had known Phoenix had taken a risk on him, but he hadn’t realized exactly how huge that leap of faith had been. Shay wouldn’t fail him again. He was terrified as fuck.

“I want to make you feel the way you always make me feel. Baby, I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t hurt you the way—” Shay choked on the words. He hadn’t considered what would happen to his mind if this day ever came. God knew he would never touch anyone else or let anyone else touch him. When it came to making love, it was Phoenix or no one.

“It’s okay.” Phoenix whispered the words. He cupped Shay’s face, forcing Shay to hold his stare. “I’m with you. We’re figuring this out together. Okay? There’s no one I trust more than you. We’ll do this the way we’ve always done everything: together.”

Each time Phoenix said “together,” he relaxed a little more. Phoenix was right. It was them. He turned his head and kissed Phoenix’s wrist. Shay took a deep breath. Something inside him soothed. He worked to undress Phoenix. Phoenix’s gaze never wavered from Shay. Trust stared up at him. It was Phoenix. Shay had this.

“I love you.” Shay needed to say the words as he stripped away the last of Phoenix’s clothes.

“I love you too.”

Shay took off his clothes next. The way Phoenix eyed his body had Shay ready to flex. He was too engrossed in the picture Phoenix made to give a damn about anything else.

“You’re beautiful.” Phoenix looked vulnerable as he said the words, as if he expected this would be the part where Shay ran. Absolutely not.

“I was just thinking the same thing about you.”

Phoenix blushed.

Shay shook his head. “Why are you blushing now? I’ve already taken off your clothes.”

A laugh burst from Phoenix at Shay’s question. “You should see the way you’re looking at me, as if I confuse the hell out of you.”

Shay kissed Phoenix’s stomach on the way to his mouth. “I’m not confused. In fact, I’ve never been surer about anything in my life.” When their erections met, Shay fought for his life not to come. He had wanted Phoenix for too long. Their kiss turned heated again.