Page 4 of A Sugary Life

Something inside Phoenix stilled and then died. He walked away.

Shay chased after him. “Come on, Phoenix. You know I didn’t mean that personally. You’re my best friend. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Phoenix didn’t stop. He didn’t want to hear more lies. Every day for the past two years, they had grown closer in a new way. He opened his bedroom door and finally turned Shay’s way. He was so furious, it didn’t even hurt to look him in the eye. “Straight men don’t get their dicks sucked by other men either. That’s not straight. That’s bi at the very least. I’m done with this bullshit. Don’t fucking talk to me again.”

Shay’s shoulders fell. “Phoenix, I—”

Phoenix waited thirty seconds for Shay to finish. When he didn’t, Phoenix took a step back and closed the door on Shay’s face with a satisfying snap. He locked the door for good measure. Phoenix wouldn’t do this to himself anymore. No more stolen moments in the dark, desperately hoping Shay would touch him too. He was done.

Phoenix blinked, and he stood outside the door of his bedroom. He had no idea how long he had stared into space. Each time that memory slammed into him, Phoenix still felt exactly how he had felt in that moment. Sometimes he wondered if he would ever stop loving Shay so that night didn’t hurt anymore. Now that he had seen Shay again, Phoenix had his answer. No, he would never get over Shay. He didn’t know how.

From his blanket on the ground, Shay stared up at the stars. There had been too many times to count when he had eyed the sky and wondered what it looked like where Phoenix lived. Now they were under the same roof, and he didn’t have to wonder. He loathed the way Phoenix had looked at him tonight. Had he even realized Shay sat in the same spot they had that night? He sat here a lot, remembering the best and worst of his nights. When he thought back on their time together, he realized exactly how easily anyone could have seen them. Maybe he had secretly hoped they would get caught. After all, Phoenix had been wearing a bright yellow outfit. If they’d been seen then, maybe he wouldn’t have fucked up the only beautiful thing he ever had.

Phoenix kissed his neck. He held still as if he waited to be shoved away. Shay’s dick was way too hard for that. He was too far gone. For once, his mind was blank, and there was no fear. Phoenix’s lips moved from Shay’s neck to his collarbone. Shay’s eyes closed as he savored the way Phoenix made him feel. He kept his hands flattened beside him, as if holding down the ground. Phoenix could keep going as long as Shay didn’t touch him. This was something being done to him. He wasn’t an active participant.

Phoenix’s hand shoved its way underneath Shay’s shirt. He scraped his short fingernails down Shay’s torso until he reached Shay’s waistband. Shay held his breath while trying to pretend he wasn’t silently begging Phoenix to keep going. Every time his dick ended up in Phoenix’s mouth, Shay fought the urge to confess his love. He loved Phoenix so fucking much, and he shouldn’t. It was wrong. He wasn’t like those men who had taken advantage of them as kids. Shay wouldn’t be one of those people. His thoughts had turned against him again. Shay found himself scrambling away.

A loud laugh burst from Phoenix. He rolled onto his back with his fingers linked behind his head. His eyes swam with laughter. “I almost had you.”

Shay’s gaze dropped to the bulge in Phoenix’s jeans before quickly returning to hold Phoenix’s stare. “Yeah, well. Don’t do that again.”

The humor left Phoenix’s eyes at Shay’s anger-filled words. All happiness drained from his features while Shay watched. “Don’t worry. I won’t,” Phoenix rolled to his knees and stood. “I’ll leave so you can finish yourself off or whatever. Or are we just pretending this isn’t happening again?”

“Nothing is happening.” There was no missing the rage in Shay’s tone.

The hurt that flashed across Phoenix’s face broke something in him. Shay grabbed the blanket and shook it out. “At least let me walk back with you. I can’t have you getting attacked or something.”

Phoenix rolled his eyes the way he always did when Shay annoyed him. “Nobody’s gonna attack me here.”

Shay snatched Phoenix's hand and stormed toward the house. “I don’t know why you fucking think that. You’re beautiful. I see the way people watch you. All it would take would be for me to turn my back for a second, and you’re too naive to see it. Which also pisses me off, because it’s been done before and you still don’t see any danger.”

“I didn’t have to be alone for anyone to attack me back then. You being there didn’t stop anyone.”

Shay’s eyes fell closed at the softly spoken and pain-filled words. This entire night and every conversation it held shouldn’t have happened. He pressed his lips together to keep from saying anything else. He marched behind Phoenix like it was his job because it was. When they reached Phoenix’s bedroom door, Shay chanced meeting Phoenix’s stare again. He froze. As always, Shay got that funny feeling in his gut—like he was falling. Phoenix confused the hell out of him. Shay shuffled closer. Phoenix’s gorgeous eyes held him captivated. His hands moved to Phoenix’s hips. For the past two years, Shay had caught himself having thoughts about Phoenix that he shouldn’t. Love choked him all hours of the day, but they were best friends and had been since that shipping container. Of course he would feel a certain way about Phoenix he didn’t feel for anyone else. It was them against the world. They were irreplaceable to each other.

“If you plan to kiss me, you definitely should.”

Damn. The same thought hit Shay every time that memory bombarded him. That had been Shay’s moment. He should have kissed him.

Chapter Three

Thankfully, Phoenix had always been a morning person. Otherwise, pastry-making would require a painfully early start. Phoenix moved around the kitchen, working on autopilot. The one thing he had always loved about cooking was the way his mind shut down. He had already spent the entire night thinking about Shay’s confession. Phoenix hated to admit his words made perfect sense. He had known therapy wasn’t working for Shay. It was no secret everyone in the school next door was a mess. They were no exception. It also wasn’t uncommon for there to be issues with sex and various types of intimacy coming from where they had. He wasn’t surprised the thought of being gay sickened Shay. The mind rarely cared about reality, and everyone was equally trapped by whatever their brain told them. With the truth exposed, Phoenix didn’t know how to feel now. But he knew how to lose himself in cooking, and so that was what he did.

Phoenix dipped inside the pantry and filled a large plastic container with everything he needed to create a series of flavored breads. When Phoenix reemerged, he spotted a bouquet of yellow roses. He set his haul aside and checked out the card.

Phoenix, congratulations on your new job. As always, I’m proud as hell of you.

The card wasn’t signed. A missing signature didn’t mean anything to Phoenix. He knew they were from Shay. Over the years, Shay had always bought Phoenix yellow roses. Not only were the yellow ones Phoenix’s favorite, Shay could pass them off as friendship flowers. Phoenix was gay, so flowers seemed an apt gift. Yellow represented friendship, so no one would see the gift as romantic. Phoenix shook his head. Some things never changed. He got back to work.

Five hours into his shift, Phoenix took a break and enjoyed a nice walk before returning for the afternoon snackers. The moment he stepped onto the third floor, he spotted a bouquet of red roses. Phoenix shook his head as he plucked the card from the flowers.

Phoenix, every single time I gave you yellow roses, these were the ones I really wanted to give you.

Phoenix bit his bottom lip to keep from smiling. Shay was so hard to hate. He made his way back inside the pantry. Maybe he would make donuts this afternoon. Inside the storeroom, another note waited. On top sat a worn-looking friendship bracelet. Phoenix’s breath caught. He would recognize the braided threads anywhere. They had worn matching ones throughout high school. They had made them for each other during a class trip. Phoenix had left his behind when he left. He picked it up and rubbed the soft strings between his thumb and finger before turning his attention to the note.

Phoenix, you forgot something when you left. I thought you might want it back.

There was no holding back his smile now. He shook his head and put the bracelet in his pocket. When he stepped out of the pantry, he found Shay sitting at the island, bent over a notebook and writing. He wore the matching bracelet. For a moment, Phoenix simply watched him. While Shay had packed on some muscle, to Phoenix, he had always been perfect. The way the muscles flexed in his forearms was mesmerizing. Everything about him had always screamed capable protector. A lot of things had changed in Phoenix's life. As he stared at Shay, Phoenix realized one thing had not. He still loved Shay with every fiber of his being.