Page 8 of A Sugary Life

The fact that Phoenix didn’t tell him that walking him was unnecessary was a win as far as Shay was concerned. Side by side, they headed down the stairs. They didn’t speak. Shay felt like he had a million things to say but didn’t know where to start. Phoenix’s room got closer and Shay panicked a little. He hadn’t gotten enough time alone with Phoenix to get anywhere. They needed to sit down and say all the words. Shay had to make sure Phoenix understood where his heart stood. If there was a shot in hell that Phoenix could be his, Shay needed to take it. Before he could say anything idiotic, Phoenix spoke.

“Would you like to come in? It seems like we keep getting interrupted.”

It turned out Shay couldn’t stop his mouth after all. “I’ve missed you a lot.” He blurted out the words as if they had been tripping over themselves to burst from Shay.

Phoenix took his hand and squeezed. He held Shay’s stare. “I’ve missed you too.”

A weight lifted from Shay’s chest. He took a cleansing breath. Phoenix had always been the kind-hearted one. Shay should have known Phoenix would find forgiveness for him that he didn’t deserve. The fact was, though, Phoenix deserved a hell of a lot more groveling.

Unfortunately, the moment they stepped inside Phoenix’s room and the door closed behind them, Shay went in a completely different direction. He had Phoenix in his arms and his tongue in Phoenix's mouth in under five seconds. Phoenix didn’t fight him. He kissed Shay back as if every bit as desperate for the intimacy. Shay grabbed two handfuls of Phoenix’s ass and had him off the floor and on the bed in the next five seconds. His heart had been starved for Phoenix for too long. He had to feel all the things he had shunned while secretly longing for Phoenix.

His lips moved to Phoenix’s neck. “You have no idea how many nights I sweat and twisted in the sheets, silently begging for your touch. The torture I put us through nearly snapped my mind.” He reclaimed Phoenix's mouth without giving Phoenix a chance to respond. Phoenix wasn’t pushing him away, and Shay wasn’t stopping.

Shay shifted just enough to steal Phoenix’s shirt before tossing his aside as well. Then he was right back to savoring the kisses he feared he would never have.

Phoenix ran the tips of his fingers down Shay’s back, and Shay calmed. The desperation bled from their kiss and turned loving. Shay slowed down and savored the moment. Phoenix was too good to be pawed at the way Shay had been manhandling him.

“I’ve always been so fucking in love with you,” Shay whispered between kisses. “You have no idea how much I’ve hated myself since you left.” He couldn’t stop touching Phoenix everywhere he could reach. “Please tell me you’ve at least thought about me. All I’ve done is think about you.”

Phoenix stroked his face. “Something died in me when I left. It’s unnatural for us to not be together.”

“Agreed.” Shay kissed Phoenix's throat and licked his collarbone. “I just want to touch you, okay? We can stop whenever you want. You know I won’t pressure you.”

Phoenix took a shaky-sounding breath, but he didn’t respond.

Shay took his silence as an agreement. He undid the button on Phoenix’s jeans. Shay stared down between their bodies as he slid the zipper down. It got harder to breathe as he pushed his hand beneath the waistband of Phoenix’s underwear. The breath stuttered from him as his palm collided with Phoenix’s erection. He dropped his forehead and savored the way Phoenix smelled. Tears gathered in his eyes. He had given up hope. Regret and pain lived inside him at all hours of the day. Missing Phoenix had been a silent boot on his throat. He had always known it was Phoenix or no one. Shay just belonged to Phoenix. He always had. The idea of anyone else touching him made Shay’s skin crawl and his heart scream in protest. He couldn’t even think of anyone else touching Phoenix. Shay nearly blacked out with rage at just the thought.

Phoenix ran his fingers through Shay’s hair. “I keep thinking about you moving on without me.”

Shay’s head shot up at the tears in Phoenix’s voice. Sure enough, he silently cried.

Phoenix stared at the ceiling as if he couldn’t look at Shay. “You didn’t want me. When I slammed that door in your face, I knew you’d find someone else, and the pain nearly killed me. I almost didn’t make it.”

There was something about the words and Phoenix’s tone. He sounded more like he went to confession than simply speaking from a place of sadness. “What do you mean?”

Phoenix cried harder. He draped his arm over his eyes. Shay froze. Everything inside him went cold. It felt exactly like ice water flooded his veins. There it was. A deep, ugly scar Shay had never seen before. Phoenix always wore a tight, long-sleeved shirt beneath his short sleeve chef’s coat. He was small and always cold. Even when he had tied that friendship bracelet on Phoenix, the mark had been covered.

Shay shot onto his knees, straddling Phoenix. He grabbed Phoenix’s other arm. A second scar. The mark looked deep and serious. Shay couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think.

“What did you do?” Even Shay heard the horror in his voice.

Phoenix didn’t answer.

Shay moved the arm from across his face, making Phoenix look at him. “What did you do?”

Phoenix sniffed, and his breath stuttered. “I’m not strong without you.”

Shay couldn’t do anything but stare down at Phoenix. He couldn’t even breathe. When the rage hit, Shay nearly went blind. “How could you do that to me? I wouldn’t even have known. Do you hate me that much? You should’ve just come back here and killed me instead. What the fuck, Phoenix? How fucking dare you?” Shay knew he wasn’t being fair. He couldn’t think. A world where Phoenix didn’t exist wasn’t a place where Shay wanted to live. Tears poured down his face. He couldn’t stop them. “You know I have nothing without you. There’s nothing without you.”

Phoenix looked broken. He didn’t try to defend himself.

The fire left Shay. Phoenix was everything to him. He couldn’t hurt him. He took a shaky breath and tried to steady his voice. “It’s my fault. I know that. All of this is on me. It always has been.” Shay took another breath, trying to stop himself from completely breaking. He swiped a kiss across Phoenix’s lips. Shay wiped away Phoenix’s tears and then righted his jeans. He couldn’t look directly at Phoenix again. “I was wrong to shove my way back into your life. You’ve always deserved better than me. I’ve always known I was a poison in your existence.” He paused, dying inside as he re-broke his heart that had only just begun to heal. “I’m sorry for everything. You have no idea how much I hate myself for not healing when you needed me. I was always scared shitless I would fail you, and I did.”

Shay stood and headed for the door. He didn’t bother looking for his shirt. Shay knew in his haze and Phoenix’s mess he would never find it. He had to get out of there.

“Please don’t go, Shay.”

The plea was a knife to the chest. He didn’t look back. If he looked back, he would give in, and Phoenix deserved better. “I mean it when I say I love you. That means it’s past time I showed it and got out of your way.” He hurried from the room before Phoenix said anything else. Shay kept his head down on the way to his room. He couldn’t risk anyone seeing him break. Unfortunately, he spotted Pytor headed in his direction. Their gazes met and held for a second. Shay looked away first and ducked inside his room. It was time he stopped and looked closer at his life and future. He thought he would be fine as long as he stayed in place. A place where Phoenix would always know where to find him. Now he saw himself too clearly, and he hated the sight. He was still the same coward he had always been, and that had nearly cost Phoenix his life.