Page 157 of Sorrow & Strangers

“I hate him.” I sigh.

Alice pulls me close, and I rest my head on her shoulder. “I know, but you’re also into him. Bad.”

“No.” I don’t know why I keep pushing back, but I need to. “I hate him. I never want to see him again. I want to stop dreaming about⁠—”

“Riding him into the sunset?”

I groan, hiding my face in her shoulder.

“Is it good dream sex at least?” she asks.

“Al,” I warn. It is great sex every night, and every morning I wake up wet and needy.

“What?”

“I’m trying not to think of him.” I sigh. “He’s bad for me. I can’t want him.”

“I can’t want to bang shifters,” Alice says with a shrug.

“It’s not the same, Al. He wanted to get between Connor and me,” I say, pulling back to look at her.

Alice cups my cheek. “But he didn’t, did he? Come between you two?”

I look away. “He wanted him to die,” I say, welcoming the spike of anger.

“He said that?” Alice frowns.

“He told me I would never be Summer Morningstar.”

“Right, but he didn’t say he wanted Connor to die. Or I imagine he would have just killed him himself, right?”

I stare at her, feeling the pout pulling at my features.

“He crushed the skull of that guy who saw you naked. I mean, he nearly killed him. So if he wanted Connor dead, wouldn’t he have just . . . done it? Connor did way more than see you naked,” she says, her face pensive.

“Al . . . Are you on his side?” I ask, full-on pouting now.

Alice frowns. “Where did you get that from?”

I sit up to face her fully, frustration building inside me. “He said I would never be Summer Morningstar.”

“I understand that. Summer, I am always on your side.”

I relax a little. “Okay, then tell me I’m right not to want him. I am ­Connor’s. I belong to Connor.”

Alice hesitates, and then she cups my cheek again. “First of all, you are mine.” She strokes my cheek. “Second of all, Connor is a part of you, but . . .” She thinks for a moment. “Do you remember the first time you met Connor?”

I know she’s about to talk about how I acted, how I treated him, how he changed me for the better and helped mold me into the person I am now, but I truly can’t hear it right now. I’m already suffocating under my guilt.

“I need to sleep.”

Alice watches me for a long moment before she nods and lies down. She opens her arms for me, and I move into them, laying my head on her chest as the lights go out, plunging us into darkness. Her heart beats in that strange rhythm that is specific to vampires. Over the last few months, it has become a source of comfort, calming me in the same way that Connor used to. A fresh wave of guilt slides over my skin.

What is happening to me? Why am I not in control of my feelings? Of my wants and needs?

Eventually I drift into the abyss, where I know my stranger will be waiting for me.

Chapter Sixty-Nine