Page 243 of Sorrow & Strangers

“Only what I’ve learned in Species,” I admit, feeling embarrassed by this for some reason.

His hands flex again, and he watches them, considering his words.

“Max, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.”

“It’s important,” he says. “Berserkers come into their madness at thirteen. Way earlier than any other species, and many are lost to it. There are some,” he flexes his hands again, “who have to be contained for years before they can harness it. This usually means that our arms are broken and pinned behind our backs with shackles. If we can’t get our arms around someone, we’re less likely to kill them with our strength. They did it to my sister and me.”

“And Beck suffered for it?”

Max nods. “She’s younger, too young for Avalon, and her scars didn’t heal like mine.”

I put my hand on his arm, watching him, trying to give him some comfort from the ghost of his traumatic past. I remember seeing her standing in the gym, her own battles evidenced by her pale skin and petite frame. Her desperation for the funds to suppress whatever memories haunted her day and night was clear in her voice.

“Rafe wanting a muzzle is not something that will help him,” he says, finally looking up at me. “I speak from extreme experience.”

“Max . . .” I want to offer to help him with her, but I have no idea where to start, and neither does he. If he did, he’d be doing it already. He mentioned Elysian, though even if I gave him the money to get her into the program, the female I met those weeks ago was not receptive to doing anything other than numbing her pain with medication. If you don’t want to heal, you won’t.

“If he hates the demon, he will never accept it. Mira helped him step forward, but now he’s scrambling back.”

“So how do I help him?” I ask.

Max’s eyes flash green. “I wish I had an answer for you. A quick solution to making him better, to making him see, but I don’t.”

“Can I help you?”

“You already do,” he says, covering my hand where it rests on his arm.

Max leans in, getting closer, and I’m so lost in comforting him that when he brushes his lips over mine, all I do is freeze. I don’t kiss him back because the second it happens, I think of the stranger. Of the promise I made to him. Of the desire I feel for him.

Fuck.

I pull back, yanking my lips away from his, and he blinks in surprise.

“Summer, I⁠—”

“I’m celibate,” I blurt, but then I soften. “I should go. You’re a good guy, Max.”

He nods and looks away, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Max?” He glances at me. “I’m glad you got out of there. Of the situation that held you like that.”

“Me too,” he says.

I nearly run out of the gym, my stomach knotting in every way possible.

Chapter Ninety-Nine

Summer

The whole way home, I think about the kiss, about the stranger, about what my next steps are. Do I tell the stranger? Even if I didn’t feel anything during the kiss? From the second his lips brushed mine, all I felt was that it was wrong. My body knew that these were not the lips that should be pressed to mine, and the guilt is now seeping into my bones. Though this is a different kind of guilt, unlike what I felt at the start of the year. This one is sharper and even more consuming.

Alice is coming down the stairs as I walk in the door. She is grumbling under her breath and looks more burdened than I’ve ever seen her.

“You okay?” I ask.

Alice nods, yawning. “Just stupid nightmares.” Alice rubs her eyes. “I don’t know. I just woke up not feeling rested at all.”

“Why don’t we sleep together tonight?” I ask, walking over and pulling her into a hug. “Like before?” I add.