Page 280 of Sorrow & Strangers

“Sum,” he says, interrupting me, and my eyes sting with tears. The ­second Max notices, he reaches for me, closing the distance between us. “Whoa, you okay?”

A sob escapes, my heart breaking for the pain I have caused so many. “You are so important to me. You have helped me heal more than you will ever understand.”

Max cups my cheek in a way that has become increasingly familiar. I didn’t realize how much more affectionate he had gotten until now. “Hey, let’s sit down. Okay?”

I look up at him, and he takes my hand and leads me to the couch. I can’t look at him, so I look down at my bare thighs.

Max squeezes my hand, and it is comforting. “Start over.”

I exhale shakily. Gods, I hate this. I hate that I’m going to hurt him, that I’m going to reject him, but mostly I hate that I am finally letting go of the possibility of a future where I am good.

“You are so special, and I am so grateful for you.” Max squeezes my hand again, and I look at him. “I appreciate you so much.”

Max blinks, and I see the realization fill his eyes, followed by a devastating flash of pain. “Oh, I see. That’s what you’re doing.”

“Max.”

He watches me for a long moment and then cups both my cheeks. “Friends first. That’s what we promised, right?”

“I can’t lose you,” I say, another tear falling. I can’t lose anyone else. Not again.

“Why would you lose me?” he asks, brushing his thumb over my cheek to wipe a tear away.

“Because I . . .” The words get lodged in my throat, but I push through. “I need us just to be friends again.”

“Summer, it’s okay.”

I lean into his hand. “I wish things were different.” I wish I could be different. That I didn’t feel what I feel for the stranger. That I⁠—

“No. You don’t,” Max says. There is no anger or frustration in his voice, but his words bring another moment of clarity. Is the desire to maintain the good Connor instilled in me also a lie?

I close my eyes. Fuck, everything is such a mess.

“This . . .” he starts, gesturing between the two of us. “It helped us both. In ways I didn’t even know I needed.”

I open my eyes again and cover his hand on my cheek.

“Thank you,” he says with a soft smile, though I can still see a glimmer of pain in his eyes. “For putting me back together when I didn’t even know I was broken. I’ve been scared to let anyone close, to care about anyone. You’ve shown me that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. So thank you, Sum.”

“And you helped me want to live again.” Max had been such a huge part of my grief journey, and it truly wouldn’t have been this gentle with anyone else. Having the safe space to move on has been a gift that I’ll never be able to repay.

The stranger wanted everything immediately, but Max somehow knew I was not capable of actually giving anything.

“Love you, Maxxy,” I say, and it’s true. I do love him, but unfortunately, I love him in the way I love Alice, in the way I love Rafe, not the way I love the stranger, and I never will. Max leans in to press a kiss to my forehead, and I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug.

“Love you too, Sum,” Max says, hugging me back. I hold him for a long moment, welcoming the familiar comfort.

“I should go, but I’ll see you later?” I ask, pulling back and smiling up at him. There is a tug in the center of my chest, and I know what I need. Stranger. I want to see him, feel him, hear him.

“Later.” Max nods.

I cup his cheek tenderly, knowing that while there is pain in his eyes just now, there will not always be. Because I am not Max’s, and never have been. Just like he is not mine, but he is someone’s. He is too special not to belong to another.

I kiss the corner of his lips before I leave the gym, breaking into a run the moment I am through the doors. Tears are still sliding down my cheeks as I run through the forest, though I have no idea why. When I arrive at our clearing, I’m surprised he’s not there. I know I shouldn’t be. It’s early, and if he was watching me, he probably stopped when I went to the gym. I know I would have.

Trying to catch my breath, I sit on a fallen tree and think about him, about Max, about the pain I’ve caused. Sobs make my shoulders shake, and I cover my face, sobbing into my hands. I feel him appear next to me, and his arm wraps around my waist. Instinctively, I lean against him.

“I broke up with Max,” I say, though I’m not sure it’s accurate. Max and I were never together. Not really.